Is your family toxic?

You hear about it all the time: “He’s toxic” or “She’s toxic.” But did you know that your own family members might actually be toxic and they can be causing you deep emotional pain? Well, here are 5 possible traits that could hint that your family members are toxic:

They keep Secrets and tell lots of lies

I always say that secrets and lies breed shame and trauma. If your family members typically keep things hush hush, they could inadvertently be creating a toxic environment for you and everyone else. Now does that mean that your family should always air their dirty laundry in public? Well, no. But what I mean by secrets and lies is that toxic families often hide wrongs. So for example, if a family members reports that he or she was disrespected or hurt in some way by another family member, rather than do the right thing and bring the offending family member to justice, the reporting family member will usually be punished for coming forward. Toxic family members often avoid important discussions and sacrifice the victim- so to speak.

Many families cover up things like abuse by shaming the victim or even making the victim of such abuse feel as if he or she is lying. Sometimes they’ll create alternative realities and make it seem as if a situation never happened. In this situation, the perpetrator of such abuse is protected- allowing him or her to continue to inflict harm on other family members. Sometimes families even hide things like illnesses because they believe it will bring shame upon the family. What this does is that it doesn't allow for the family to come together to help a struggling family member.

They do not validate your feelings

Toxic family members are pretty good at invalidating you. When you’re experiencing anger, sadness, happiness or frustration, they have a way of making you feel as if your feelings are not valid. Sometimes they even go as far as to telling you that you are not supposed to feel this way. In a healthy family dynamic, all of your emotions should be accepted and tolerated- even if your family members don’t understand why you feel that way.

For example, if something difficult is happening and you happen to be sad about it, the supportive thing to do is to allow you to have your feelings and talk to you about how you want to be supported. But in a toxic family dynamic, some emotions are not accepted, which leads to isolation, shame and sadness.

They are controlling

In toxic families, there are usually a few powerful people who like to control what everybody else should say do, think and sometimes, even wear. People in the family do not feel free and totally accepted, because there’s always going to be someone around the corner telling them what to do and how to act. It often feels like they are always being watched or judged. Being in a toxic family dynamic could feel isolating because sometimes family members appear close and united from the outside looking in, but for those who are actually in the family, there is truly no real closeness going on.

Typically there is lots of gossip (a form of bonding in many toxic families), shaming others and trying to force other family members to maintain the facade that maintains the family’s reputation. Individual family members often feel judged and suffocated because sometimes, everyone is involved in everyone else’s business.

Double standards

Toxic families often have scapegoats and golden children. There is always one person who can do no wrong (the golden child), and another person who bears the brunt of everyone’s anger and disappointment (the scapegoat). Grudges could be held for years, and it often feels like your sins are always being tallied or used as ammunition against you. One family member could be allowed to comport himself in one way, but if another person does the exact same thing, it is frowned upon. This could be very difficult, as the rules are always shifting as the days go by. This creates a sense of instability among individual family members. This is why toxic families often have lots of quarrels and fights. Eventually 1 person rebels and decides to break free from this difficult dynamic.

Undue jealousy and competition

Because of the double standards, everyone is competing to become the favorite. Although the family looks united to everyone else, everyone is vying to become the golden child. Sometimes there is even sabotage among family members so that they can save face or look better. Because toxic families often do not have room to love everyone equally, family members have to claw their way to the top spot. And even when they find themselves at the top spot, they have to continue to fight so that they do not lose it.

Rather than working together as a team and ensuring that everyone wins, there is a desire to look better and ‘one up’ one another, so there is fierce competition. This is where put downs, shaming and jealousy come in, They often feel better about themselves if they make other family members look bad. It’s difficult to find true connection, because everyone knows that they could be trend against at any time.

There are many more characteristics of toxic families that I did not talk about in this blog post. But typically, family members feel a sense of anxiety and sometimes even despair. In another blog post, I’ll address some ways to break free from this toxic family dynamic so that you don’t continue the cycle in the next generation.

If you are struggling to break free from a toxic family and you want to work on the anxiety or depression that your family upbringing has caused you, you can click here to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation. You can also call 951-905-3181. Although your family of origin might be toxic, you get to make the change and ensure that your kids, friends and loved ones are not victims of the same toxicity you were raised in. I provide therapy and counseling for women in the Murrieta/Temecula area as well as online throughout California.

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6 simple ways to keep the spark in your marriage alive

Marriage can be difficult. Two different people trying to compromise and do life together is not an easy feat. But if you’ve been married for more than a few days, I don’t have to tell you that. So often people wonder - “How do I keep the spark going? How can I make my marriage not only last, but actually be fulfilling?” Well, today, I’m going to tell you about 6 simple, but really important things to keep doing (or start doing) so that your marriage can be happy.

And if you are not in a happy place in your marriage, but you do want to get to a happy place, perhaps you can consider marriage counseling.

Maintaining a great marriage is all about making space in your mind and in your day for your spouse. It’s about the little things. It’s about ensuring that both of you are able to prioritize each other- even though you’re both pulled in a million different directions.

So take some notes and let’s begin:

1) Unwind together after a long day

This is super important. After you’ve both had dinner, put the kids to bed, cleaned up the kitchen and gotten lunches ready for the next day, spend about 10 to 15 minutes together to talk about your days. Turn off the TV, put your phones away, and truly see each other.

Eye contact and full attention are imperative here. Ask each other how you’re doing and talk about how the day went. When each person is talking, the other should give his/her undivided attention. Although this seems like such a small act, it invites you into your partner’s world, and vice versa. If you’re a good listener, you’ll learn so much about your partner in these short moments. You’ll also learn more about what your partner is going through and how you two can support one another. It’s an important bonding activity as a couple.

2) Have weekly date nights/days

I know that date nights sound so cliche, but the idea behind it is to get away from the everyday routine and do something special for and with one another- without distractions. Date nights (or date days- because dates don’t have to only be held at night) don’t have to be expensive. They simply have to feel special. You want time alone with your partner to become a normal part of your lives.

Dates can be as simple as a packed picnic lunch, a stroll together at the mall, a movie date, or an actual trip to somewhere exotic. You don’t even have to leave your home to have a date. They can happen right there in your living room or sitting in your garage.

I highly suggest that date nights should be scheduled. If you don’t schedule them, chances are they won’t happen. At the beginning of every week, sit with your partner and map out what day you’d both like to spend time together, where you’d like to go and what you’ll do together. If you schedule this, you have a much higher chance of actually following through with it. Eventually, date nights or date days become part of your schedule and you’ll both look forward to it,

3) Cuddle often

Physical touch is an important bonding tool for couples. It helps you maintain closeness and connection with your partner. Being in each other’s arms also provides a feeling of safety and security. Now cuddling can easily happen while unwinding after a long day. Sit on the couch, or on another comfortable area and just be. Get used to sitting together and bonding this way. Such a simple act really does go a long way in ensuring that your connection remains strong.

4) Listen actively

Most of the time, when we listen to our spouses talk, we are impatiently waiting for them to finish talking so that we can respond. The problem with this in a marriage is that it could easily lead your partner to feel frustrated and unheard. Active listening is something I always have couples practice in couples therapy/marriage counseling. It sometimes takes a bit of practice to get the hang of it. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership in which each person feels seen and heard. If you struggle with listening, then try this exercise.

When next you and your spouse sit down to unwind for the day, rather than talk about what you think about what he or she is saying, or trying to correct or argue with him or her, only say validating words and statements that help you understand your spouse better.

Set a timer for 10 minutes and sit next to one another. Have one partner be the speaker, while the other is the listener. The listener’s goal is to try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and respond the way you would want someone to respond if you were pouring out your heart. Validate your spouse’s feelings and summarize what you think he or she is saying. Let your spouse correct you as needed. Once you’re done, you then get to be the speaker while your partner is the listener. What you’ll get is a true bonding experience.

5) Create hello and goodbye routines

If you have a busy life, chances are you have situations in which you’re rushing out of the door while your spouse is at home. Make goodbyes and hellos memorable. When you are leaving the house, make it a point to give your spouse a hug, a kiss, a high five, a smile, or some other friendly exchange to acknowledge the moment.

The same thing goes for hellos. When you walk into the door, also make sure you acknowledge your spouse with a hug, a kiss, a friendly “Hello” or “What’s up,” a kiss or some other type of gesture that communicates that you’re happy to see him or her.

6) Talk about your hopes and dreams often

Remember when you were still dating? You probably sat down together for hours talking about all your hopes and dreams. Maybe that was even what attracted you to your husband or wife. Don’t lose touch with one another. Find time to talk about your long and short term goals. Reminisce about how far you’ve come and how far you both can go together. Do not get so entrenched in the daily hustle and bustle that you forget where you’re both going together.

If you really want to regain the spark in your marriage, but you are unsure of where to begin, consider scheduling a marriage counseling session. In our couples therapy sessions, you’ll learn how to create a friendship with your spouse, how to communicate clearly and how to truly maintain a happy, fulfilling marriage.

Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call so you can decide if couples counseling in Houston is right for you. I provide couples counseling in Houston, TX and throughout California and Texas.