Family drama no more: How to survive family holiday events without stress or drama

The holidays are upon us. If you happen to be blessed with amazing family dynamics, then you’re probably looking forward to sitting down to a good meal with your loved ones. But if you are like millions of people out there, you cringe at the thought of yet another family gathering. Because your family is known for shade, side eyes, underhanded comments, and a general feeling of thick tension in the air.

Well, never fear, here are some simple tips to help you survive the holidays this year.

The first thing to ask yourself is “Should I actually be attending family events this year?”

Yes, I know people say, “Blood is thicker than water,” but if blood will demean you, drive you nuts or leave you in tears, perhaps you might want to skip the gatherings altogether.

Please note that I’m not a big fan of canceling people or cutting them off, but if your family situation truly is toxic, you might have to sit this one out for your peace of mind. Your holidays can be spent alone or with other loved ones. Sometimes our friends can quickly become family.

Who says every holiday must be spent with family?

Once you have decided to actually go to family events, the following guidelines will save you from a heart attack.

Decide how long you will stay at the event

Because your family gets together for 8 hours on Thanksgiving Day, preps the meal together, sets the table together, then cleans up together, does not mean you have to follow that tradition. If you can only stomach them for 2 hours at a time, you decide when to show up and when to leave.

Yes, they’ll make a big fuss about you either leaving early or arriving late, but your peace of mind will be intact. Go in there, make the rounds and leave with your dignity intact.

That’s what we are aiming for this year.

Stay away from hot button topics and nosey aunties

If you’ve spent a lot of time with your family, you definitely know what topics you cannot discuss. In some families it’s politics. In others, it’s religion. And for others it could be issues around marriage, career plans, where you choose to live, child rearing issues, etc. Know the hot button topics and stay away from them at all costs.

If someone decides to bring those topics up (I’m referring to the nosey, fire starting aunties, then you can politely decide not to engage). Here’s what you can say:

“I’m not comfortable discussing that at this time.”

If they continue to query you, put your big girl pants on and stand your ground. No one can get you to discuss something you’re not ready for. No one.

Stick with the cool family members

Even though your family might be filled with troublesome characters, you probably have 1 or 2 cool family members left. You know, the quiet cousin who sits in the corner because she doesn’t like drama. Or the uncle who is positioned in front of the TV because he doesn’t care for gossip.

Find the cool, level headed family members and make them your buddies during the event. They’ll probably appreciate you for doing that because they don’t care for family drama either.

Stay away from lies

When we find ourselves in a pickle, sometimes we revert to our 7 year old selves and we spew tons of lies to protect ourselves. For example, if Aunt Margaret asks you “Why are you 2 hours late to dinner?” you feel like you’re in trouble and you start to tell an entire tale to save yourself.

You are no longer a child and Aunt Margaret has no control over you. Answer her like the adult that you are. You don’t have to be rude, but you don’t have to lie either. A big part of gaining peace of mind is being able to be yourself, regardless of what your family thinks.

There you have it. Some simple tips to help your holiday festivities feel a little more festive.

If you are sick and tired of being controlled by gossiping aunties and a toxic family, and you are ready to learn how to be an adult again, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call with me. I’m a licensed therapist in CA and TX, and helping to set people free from the bondage of a toxic family, is one of my favorite things to do.

I hope you enjoy your holiday season!

Simple tips for a successful marriage: Repair when you've messed up

Sometimes when you're speaking to your partner, you get so upset and you say the wrong thing.

Before the words come out of your mouth you instinctively know that you have hit below the belt. The great news is that no matter what you say to your partner, you can still repair your relationship with them. As a therapist in the Temecula area who provides marriage counseling, I’ve probably seen and heard it all.

Here are six simple ways to repair when you have messed up in your marriage. Please note that this post is not talking about abusive behavior or infidelity. I am simply just focusing on repairing when you have been careless with your words or gotten into an argument.

The goal of the conversation: To repair and take responsibility

Before you start talking to your spouse remember that the goal of this conversation is to repair and seek understanding, rather than defend yourself or blame your spouse. If you get defensive, it will only make things worse. So it is important that you take responsibility for the things that you have said, and then apologize.

Step 1: Share how you felt

The first step is to share how you felt. This is an important skill I teach as a therapist in the Murrieta, Temecula area.

You don't have to explain why you felt the way that you felt. It is important for your partner to understand what was going on for you internally. Use some feeling words.

You can say something as simple as "I felt defensive." Or “I felt disrespected." Or “I felt shocked.” Or you can say “I felt afraid.” This will help your partner feel a little bit more connected to you.

Step 2: Describe your point of view

Describe to your spouse what you feel happened during the incident. Do not describe what you think they did or how you think they felt. Just stick to describing your perception of the situation. It is important that you do not point the finger, attack them, or blame them.

Just state the facts of what you said or what you think you heard them say. So for example you can frame it as "I heard you say…” Don’t get stuck on the semantics of things. Just focus on your reality.

Step 3: Give your spouse space to speak

Next it's time for you to give your spouse a chance to speak their own reality. Listen to their side of the story, and do not focus on trying to correct them or blame them. When they speak, try to summarize what you're hearing them saying, and also validate their experiences. For example you can say something like "I can see how you heard that.” “I can understand why that felt offensive.”

Ensure that they feel understood before you move on. If they don't, you can ask them to give you more information to ensure that they are actually feeling understood. This is the one area where couples get stuck in my Temecula marriage counseling sessions.

Also help them understand some of your experiences that have triggered why you felt the way that you felt. For example let's say you feel disrespected because your spouse did not consult you before doing something important. You can say to them “I am sensitive to feeling ignored because it reminds me of the time that you made a big purchase without me.”

Step 4: Take responsibility for your role in the communication breakdown

I talk about this a lot when I facilitate marriage counseling in Murrieta. It's now time to take responsibility for your role in the fight. Let them know what your state of mind was before you said what you said.

For example you can say:

• “I've been feeling stressed lately.”

• “I've been taking you for granted”

• “I've been ignoring you.”

• “I've been completely exhausted lately.”

• “I've been feeling like I'm tired lately.

Specify what you regret and also apologize for what you said wrong. Be very specific.

For example “I am sorry for yelling at you.” “I'm sorry that I attacked you.” Or “I'm sorry for disrespecting you.”

Step 5: Make a plan for the future

After apologizing, tell your spouse what you need if this situation comes up again in the future.

Make a plan for what to do if the situation comes up again. Help your spouse understand the way you want to be treated, and also get a good understanding of how they want to be talked to. This prevents persistent problems from happening over and over again.

Having a successful marriage takes an immense amount of work and great communication, however every marriage can become an amazing marriage with friendship and intimacy in abundance.

If you're looking for a black marriage counselor in the Temecula, Murrieta area, and you're ready to take your marriage to a new, healthy place, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. Your future, healthy marriage thanks you.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Generational curses: Fact or Fiction?

“I think my family is under a generational curse.”

This is a statement that I have heard over and over again. Sometimes people even go as far as to say that certain traits like anger, a loud tone of voice or impatience are part of the generational curse on their family.

When we believe that our parents’ traits (like a hot temper), is a curse, we resign to the idea that we are destined to repeat the cycles of the past.

Thereby creating a self fulfilling prophecy (You believe something will happen, therefore it actually does).

While I believe that parents and grandparents definitely pass down traits to their children, the good news is that we are not doomed by generational curses.

For more information on how families pass down various behaviors to one another, click here to learn more about the multigenerational transmission process.

“But Ibi, if we aren’t doomed by generational curses, then why is it that everyone in my family keeps repeating the same old mistakes?” Well, I’m glad you asked.

We often repeat behaviors we see when we were growing up for various reasons.

Let’s say when you were growing up, your dad always threw things to show his frustration. Then when your mom was frustrated, she yelled at you. You grow up believing that yelling and throwing things are appropriate ways to express your anger.

Perhaps you don’t know any other alternatives.

As you got older, not only did it become acceptable for you to cuss people out, scream and shout, your parents even encouraged you to do so- to show that you were “Strong.” Sometimes your parents actually praised you for having a hot temper. As you might know, praise tends to encourage behavior. So you continued in this pattern.

When you moved out of your neighborhood, you had to maintain this hot temper so that you were not taken advantage of. Eventually, you exhibited the hot temper at work. Your boss and coworkers are stunned at how quick you can flip, but you do not try to change your behavior- because your hot temper is a generational curse. You’ve resigned yourself to this.

Let’s look at it from another lens.

Breaking away from toxic family behaviors

Your upbringing was the same- dad threw things, mom yelled. You also became a yeller as you got older. However when you got to college, these behaviors became problematic for you. You began to struggle with professors, supervisors and other students.

You decide to seek help for your temper. Let’s say you seek out a licensed therapist. You learn different ways to communicate your feelings and help others understand what you need. You learn what your triggers are, set boundaries with loved ones and you learn to be more assertive- rather than aggressive.

Your life changes for the better

Very soon, you begin to thrive at work and your relationships blossom. Because you decided to take a step to break that generational curse, your kids won’t struggle with the same problem that you and your parents did.

Instead, they will inherit a legacy of clear communication, empathy and understanding. When they are upset, you teach them healthy communication tools, you listen to them, validate them and show them how to be assertive, rather than aggressive.

While your family of origin can influence your future, they do not have to determine it. You might have learned quite a lot of behaviors that served your parents well, but if those behaviors no longer serve you, you have the power to work on changing them.

Remember that!

Cheers to now being a generational curse breaker and stopping the cycle of toxicity in your family.

Seek help from a licensed therapist in Murrieta/Temecula

If you realize that you were raised in a toxic family dynamic, and you are ready to break the toxic family cycle, ditch anxiety and learn how to speak up for yourself, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. I provide therapy services of counseling for women in the Murrieta/Temecula area. I also provide online counseling for California residents online.

You are a change maker.

Is your family toxic?

Our behavior and the way we show up in the world, is a result of both nature and nurture. Some of us were born with a certain temperament, and then our environment also shaped us further into who we are.

But some people grew up with family members that didn’t quite pour into them the way that they should.

When we think of family, many of us think of kindness, warmth and validation, but for others, family relationships are quite complicated.

I call the latter, “Toxic Families.” I am aware that the word ‘toxic’ does sound incredibly harsh, but I define toxicity as a pattern of behavior that feels emotionally damaging. I don’t use the word ‘toxic’ for run of the mill family arguments or simple disagreements. The word is reserved for an ongoing damaging pattern of behavior within families.

Please note that going around and calling people toxic will probably lead to lots of arguments and animosity. I simply use the word as a framework to help you understand the effects that these people could have on you.

With that being said, here are some signs that your family might be toxic.

Unnecessary competition

Families should ideally support one another, but in a toxic dynamic, family members compete with one another all the time. There is this idea that there isn’t enough room for everyone, so members must claw their way to the top. Because of this unnecessary competition, family members often put one another down, and the focus sometimes is on achievements, rather than the value of the person.

Invalidation

In a functional dynamic, family members allow one another to have and feel all of their emotions. But in a toxic environment, family members appear to pick and choose which emotions they think are okay.

In some families, happiness is the only emotion allowed. In others, expressing anger is okay, but sadness is frowned upon. If sadness is frowned upon, then family members learn how to stuff their emotions down and pretend like they don’t feel sad. Other times, their sadness will be expressed through anger.

When a brave family member begins to discuss his or her deepest fears, worries and sadness, often times, family members will respond with “Is that why you’re crying?” or “That’s not a good reason to cry.” or “Don’t be weak.” All this does is it shuts the doors to genuine human closeness.

Playing favorites

Because of the competitive nature of toxic families, there is usually only room for 1 golden child. Children learn from a young age that 1 sibling is the favorite and that they should either compete, or learn to accept being second class citizens. This often leads to jealousy and hurt among siblings. Sometimes parents will actually tell everyone that they have a favorite child. As the kids grow up, the favorite child still remains the favorite, while the other siblings harbor silent resentment or bitterness.

Lots of criticism and arguing

Family members typically enjoy criticizing one another because of the competition and lack of emotional depth between them. If you are not allowed to display deep emotions, your only choice becomes keeping things superficial. And superficial conversations typically revolve around things like money, clothing, the weather, TV shows and one’s looks. Because competition is so strong in these families, criticism becomes a way of life. They have to criticize one another so that 1 of them can successfully claw his/her way to the top.

Arguing also becomes a way of life because family members have never been taught how to listen and validate one another. When you can’t validate the experiences of others, you tend to argue in a bid to break them down or get them to think like you.

Secrets

Secrets tend to run rampant in these families.  Because they are not allowed to really be vulnerable with one another, things are hidden. The problem with this is that if something really bad (like abuse) happens, it’ll get swept under the rug. The issue with secrets is that they simply perpetuate the problem. The best way to break these cycles is to discuss them and work through them. In many toxic situations, when someone discusses a difficult topic, the other family members either invalidate them or bully them into silence.

People pleasing

Because everyone wants to be the golden child, family members often try to people please. There's little room for independent thoughts and group think is the norm. If you don’t think or agree with the others, you can be criticized or sometimes, even ostracized. And since no one wants to suffer these consequences, it’s a lot easier to just conform.

These are some of the dynamics that occur in toxic families. The great thing is you do not have to perpetuate the same patterns you were raised in. Once you have an awareness about toxicity, make it a point to do things differently.

• Validate people’s emotions.

• Create a loving environment for your family.

• Treat people equally.

• Work through some of the issues in therapy.

If you realize that you have been raised in a toxic family dynamic, and you are ready to finally let go of people pleasing, anxiety and find your voice, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. I’m a Black counselor in California who offers online therapy in California for women and couples.

You can break the cycle.

5 Simple ways to gain control of anxiety and fear

Download now

Parenting during coronavirus: How to stay sane with your kids amidst social distancing

Parenting during the coronavirus pandemic is exceptionally challenging. You don’t have the luxury of dropping your kids off at school, dropping them off at daycare, having the nanny come over, going to the public park or library, going out to eat, or having amazing playdates.

Now the pressure is on you to keep them entertained and occupied all day long.

If this is your plight, don’t fret. I’ve got you. Here are some simple ways to survive being cooped up with your kids all day.

1) Create a simple schedule

One thing that many parents do to make this transition easier, is to have a simple schedule. You do not have to map out every minute of every day, but a flexible schedule can be helpful in giving your kids structure.

That way you don’t feel like you’re raising wild chickens on a farm.

If you are working from home, ensure that the schedule works for you. Because your kids’ lives are no longer determined by the school schedule, you get to make your own! That’s actually a great thing.

The easiest tasks to plan out are meal times and bed times. But I’m sure you probably already have meal times in your home. Keep meal times and bedtime the same, so that the transition to normal life isn’t too hard when they have to go back to school.

Once you’ve chosen meal times and a bed time, it’s time to actually plan activities.

If your kids are school aged, chances are that they are homeschooling. Throw in a few of their school subjects (Math, ELA, Science), give them many breaks in between, and they should be good. Luckily, many schools aren’t just throwing parents in the wind. They are giving them some work and websites to play on.

If you feel confused about what your child should be doing academically, reach out to your child’s teacher for some tips. This is also a great time to reach out to other friends who are in the same boat. Remember, you are not alone. Pretty much most parents in the world are going through this with you.

Also add clean up time and chore time on your schedule. Chores help kids learn vital life skills. They also create a sense of independence and competence.

Ensure that you include a time when your child can hang out with you. This is an amazing time to secure that parent-child bond. Yes, even teenagers need time with mom and dad.

Let’s not forget that self care is incredibly important during this season. If you’re not taking care of yourself, things become increasingly frustrating. Here is a link to some healthy habits you can incorporate for yourself.

2) Include time for free play

Although schedules are great for kids- because predictable lives help kids feel safe- do not over schedule them.

Just like no adult can go 8 hours without some type of break, your kids also need to be kids.

Little ones do well when they are able to just roam around the house using their imagination. Elf course you want to secure cabinets and other areas that could present safety hazards. Encourage the kids to get off the couch and just move.

I personally love the Nintendo Wii and other gaming systems that encourage movement. Of course, there has to be a fine line. You don’t want your kids staring at a screen all day, You get to decide how much screen time is too much.

Many parents are also using Go noodle as a way to get their kids moving and shaking. And if you want to get the kids moving without using screens, put on some music so the kids can just dance. You can even join in the fun.

Younger kids can build forts (yes, I know they look a mess, but they are so enjoyable), play with Legos, draw, color or paint. Older kids can also create art, read and engage in all sorts of crafts. They don’t have to sit in front of video games all day.

You are only limited by your imagination.

3) Stay connected virtually

One of the toughest things about social distancing is that kids are disconnected from their friends. They don’t get playdates, they don’t get to run around the neighborhood, and they do not get to engage in their usual extracurricular activities.

Enter technology.

Virtual playdates can help to maintain social connections. Create blocks of time when your kids can call friends on the phone or even video chat with them.

I recently discovered a app called Marco Polo. It’s pretty cool. You get to send short video messages to your loved ones. Both you and your kids will probably enjoy this.

Although this isn’t the same as an in person connection, it’s much better than being all alone. So get creative.

4) Let the kids help you

If your kids are old enough, now is the time to get your house in tip top shape. If you already have daily or weekly chores for your kids, make sure you continue with those.

And if you don’t, now could be a good time to implement new ones.

You do not have to use the word ‘Chore.’ You can say ‘Responsibilities,’ or ‘Tasks.’ Truth is every human has to have chores.

If you’re an entrepreneur, your business is an endless list of chores. If you’re a parent, keeping your kids alive is a series of chores. If you are an employee, keeping your job is an endless list of chores. Starting them young only prepares them for the future.

Chores are simply life skills that help your kids become healthy, successful adults.

Embed the chores into your daily schedule. You could have them make their beds each morning, put away their dishes, fold laundry or put their toys away.

Here is a blog post that details a bunch of age appropriate chores for kids.

Start with 1 or 2 chores, then build up from there. Your kids will thank you when they become competent adults!

5) Help your kids understand the new normal

This is a stressful and uncertain time for a lot of people. And of course, as a parent, you don’t have all the answers.

Explain the situation as best you can. Little ones definitely have no idea what a virus is, so maybe help them understand that we have to stay in our bubble for a little while.

For older kids, you could explain what a virus is, and let them know why we are actually practicing social distancing.

There is no need to go over numbers, charts and all the gritty details with them. Let them be kids. But reframe this situation as our new normal. Naturally, some kids will feel afraid. This is the time to validate their feelings, offer them comfort and let them know that you will be here with them.

I highly suggest keeping the news turned off so that kids aren’t terrified. Their little brains cannot possibly process what’s going on.

Because social distancing is such an unknown thing, structure will help kids feel safe and loved. But if the house feels chaotic, it could make them feel so much more uneasy.

Check in with them daily or every few days so that they can share their thoughts with you. Nothing connects a child to a parent more than love and attention.

How is social distancing affecting you and your household?

If you are feeling anxious about the current situation or struggling with insomnia, I’m here to help. I’m a therapist in Murrieta who offers therapy for anxiety, insomnia, as well as marriage counseling in the Temecula-Murrieta area. Due to social distancing guidelines, I am now seeing clients online. Click here if you’d like to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation so that you can finally shake your anxiety.

5 Simple ways to gain control of anxiety and fear

Download Now