How to Manage Overwhelm: Strategies for Highly Sensitive People

Overwhelmed by Everyone’s Needs? How to Manage Relationship Stress as a Highly Sensitive Woman

As a highly sensitive person, because you are so in tune with the feelings of others and you care so much about what happens to people around you, you might find yourself constantly tending to their emotional needs. And when people feel the level of warmth and empathy that you bring to the table, they keep coming to you to continue to fill their emotional needs. And although this is a great way to connect with others, and you do enjoy helping people (because the skill comes so easily to you), the problem is you run the risk of pouring continuously into other people without getting your own emotional needs met.

And what happens overtime is that your emotional well dries out. The good thing is that there are many strategies that you can utilize to ensure that you continue to be a caring person, while getting your needs met.

• Ask for what you need: Feel free to ask the people around you for your needs. If you need help, ask for it. Because if you keep pouring into others without receiving, you will be burned out.

• Take a break: Even though you enjoy spending time helping others, note when you bandwidth is depleted and take a step back. You can’t serve people all the time.

• Know your limit: You can’t be all things to all people all the time. Play to your strengths and let others do the rest, You can’t stretch yourself too thin.

• Balance your hobbies with your responsibilities: Each week, spend some time looking at your calendar to ensure that you include some hobbies or at least some downtime. Actually put it in, or else it won’t happen.

If the above feels like too much, brainspotting therapy can help you get unstuck. It’s an effective way of helping you break away from difficult habits that have been stubborn to break.

How to Say ‘No’ Without Feeling Guilty: Boundaries for Highly Sensitive Overachievers

Because you are so in tune with the feelings of others, you might feel like a bad person when it is time to turn somebody away. After all, you might think “What is the harm in helping them? If I know I can help them, why can't I just do that every time they call me?” The problem with this is that if every time somebody called you for help, you actually run to them, you would be helping people all day, therefore leaving yourself drained.

It is even more difficult to set boundaries when you are a high-performing woman. Because a part of you is excited and feels fulfilled when you check those tasks off your to do list. Work is actually quite enjoyable to you. And because you're quite capable of helping other people emotionally, coupled with being so great at your job, you feel extremely guilty when you have to say no or turn somebody down.

But when you constantly say “Yes,” you gain the reputation of the super responsible woman. People automatically run to you when there is a problem – even at work. And over time, you begin to resent those around you, because you wonder why all the competent people around you seem to outsource their problems and their work to you. It is because you have created a monster.

Before you say “Yes” to someone, give yourself a 24-hour window to think it through. Ask yourself if you have the bandwidth to be able to help them in this season. Think about all the other responsibilities you have. Will you be able to help them and carry out your responsibilities without burnout? Will helping them bring long-standing joy and peace for you? Just because you can help someone does not mean you should always jump in to help them.

Think about it this way: If you do not allow people to learn how to work through things, you rob them of the process of actually learning how to work through things. If you are involved in healthy work and personal relationships, then it is possible to say “No” sometimes without negative repercussions. You can prioritize your self-care without damaging your relationship.

This is where Brainspotting therapy comes in with my clients. Brainspotting therapy helps change long-standing habits that have held you back and made you feel stuck. Brainspotting targets the deeper layers of the brain so that these unhelpful habits can finally be broken. When we have broken the emotional hold, then saying “no” to prioritize your self-care becomes so much easier. And guess what? The guilt starts to go away.

Balance is Possible: How Highly Sensitive Women Can Juggle Career, Relationships, and Self-Care

As a high performing woman, it is important to accept that you will never be able to accomplish every single task that you have laid out for yourself. It’s not because you are lazy or incompetent, it is simply because your expectations for yourself are sometimes too high.

It is also important to remember that you cannot throw yourself so deep into work that you forget all your personal relationships. You can do both quite well- if you are able to put up good boundaries and prioritize your mental health. With Brainspotting therapy, you experience a world of emotional clarity so that it becomes so much easier to manage the dynamics of personal relationship versus your high-powered career.

To keep it simple, when you're looking at your weekly schedule, make sure there is actually time for you to rest, recharge and maybe connect with somebody outside of your work. If you are intentional about this on a weekly basis, it becomes a lot more difficult to be constantly drowning in work. Maybe you have some busy seasons at work where it’s all hands on deck, but when you're outside of busy season, be sure to calendar in time to actually spend with loved ones.

When you think about your work dynamics, are you carrying too heavy a load? Is there any wiggle room where you can either drop some responsibilities, outsource them or complete them at a later date? Remember that there are areas within your workspace that you have control over. Those are the areas in which you have to assert your influence and voice. Life does not just happen to you- you have a say in certain areas of your life. It’s the idea of accepting what you cannot change, but changing what you can,

When You Feel Everything: How to Keep Emotional Overload from Ruining Your Relationships

As a highly sensitive woman, you can feel like you absorb the emotions of others. But it’s not like you are actually absorbing their emotions. It’s that you notice tiny details that act like an alarm and alert you to how others are feeling. And this feels like you have actually absorbed their emotions. This can lead you to either run away from others- because you do not enjoy the feeling of constantly being tossed around by the emotions of others.

Or sometimes, you get overly involved in the emotional business of others because you want to fix and soothe them. Remember that is not necessarily your job to fix everyone. Sometimes others do not actually want your help. Sometimes they're fine with the way things are going. Sometimes they're coming to you simply to vent- not to fix. And if you do not have enough bandwidth to actually help somebody who is asking for your help, then what you will get is complete burn out, resentment and frustration. Know when you have the bandwidth to have deep conversations versus when you just want to keep things light. This will prevent you from emotional overload.

Also have at least one safe person in your life with whom you can share your emotional burdens. You are allowed to laugh wit them, cry with them, vent, and just be human. You can talk about the difficult things in your life, as well as the wins you are experiencing.

The Art of Unplugging: How to Step Away Without Feeling Disconnected from Loved Ones

One of the most important parts of being highly sensitive is having alone time and times when you minimize distractions. Even though you might live a very busy lifestyle and lots of people come to you for help, it is important that you have some non-negotiables around always being busy. As a high-performing woman, spending time by yourself gives you the opportunity to reflect on the work that you are doing and also recharge your energy so that you can continue to perform at a high level.

Unplugging does not mean that you completely ghost everyone. Unplugging simply means that you have specific times in your schedule when you can be by yourself. You can take yourself to lunch, you can sit at home and watch TV, or you can simply silence your phone so that you can do other things around the house. You can go on a relaxing vacation or you can decide that you will no longer be helping people during this season because your life is already feeling too full. It really is that simple. Some people like to set boundaries every single day by putting their phones on do not disturb from a certain hour in the evening until morning.

Are you constantly overwhelmed by the emotional demands of your relationships? As a trauma therapist in Houston specializing in brainspotting therapy, I help high-performing, highly sensitive women—including Black women—manage overwhelm and build healthier, more balanced relationships. Schedule a brainspotting therapy consult call in Houston today to start your journey toward emotional peace and deeper connections!

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to Sleep Again After Losing Your Loved One

There is no loss that compares to losing someone you love. No preparation can make you completely ready for it, and it affects every aspect of life including sleep. While nothing can replace the feeling of having your beloved next to you at night, there are ways you can improve the quality of sleep you get and thereby improve your overall wellbeing. Here are some suggestions to help you through this difficult time.

Don’t Stay Still

While there are no instant cures for losing sleep after a loved one’s passing, there are ways you can take care of yourself even in your darkest moments. Nurture yourself by engaging in physical activity. Go for a long run in the morning, take your dog for a walk during a break from work, or take a class at your local gym in the evening.

At times it can seem impossible to do almost anything when grieving, but it’s important for both your mental and physical health to stay active. To best support healthy sleep habits, Healthline recommends engaging in light to moderate exercise between 60–90 minutes before bed. They suggest exercises that include yoga, stretching, walking or swimming, and light weightlifting.

Make the Best Sleep Environment

It is important to know the difference between gadgets that will assist you in falling asleep and things that are simply a waste of money. While there are plenty of apps designed to help you rest, Nuvanna says it’s wise to rid your sleeping space of unnecessary electronics. The blue light from the screens on your phone, tablet, or electronic reader can inhibit your body from producing melatonin.

If your mattress is around 10 years old, it may be negatively affecting your sleep and time to get a new one. When purchasing a mattress, consider your sleep position, as this will affect what material you need and how firm it should be. Back sleepers need a firm bed while stomach sleepers require different support to keep from sinking.

Learn Calming Techniques

If you struggle to calm your mind at night, sleeping will be difficult. Fortunately, there are relaxation exercises you can do to help you let go of thoughts while in bed. One such technique is to focus on deep breathing. As you breathe in, feel the air entering your lungs and try to picture it moving through your body.

Progressive relaxation is another great way to distract your mind and let your body unwind naturally, according to Psychology Today. Focus on one area of your body at a time and intentionally relax it, slowly progressing until your whole body is relaxed. If you need something more tangible, however, you could try taking a bath at the end of your day. Use bath bombs, essential oils, or bath salts to help you experience deep relaxation.

Honor Their Memory with a Nonprofit

One profound way you can honor the departed while also giving yourself something positive to focus on is to create a nonprofit in your loved one’s honor. Formation services can help you through the process of setting things up, and it can be an invaluable step on the road to making peace with your loss. If you’re not sure how to get started, there are helpful guides available that lay out the process and everything it entails. Just remember that starting a nonprofit—even a small one—requires a lot of hard work.

Eat for Sleep

What you eat and drink can also affect how well you sleep at night. If you find yourself agitated or restless in the evenings, drinking caffeine or alcohol may only make this worse. Both drinks cannot only prevent you from falling asleep but may also interfere with your ability to remain asleep. Be mindful of when you consume caffeine or alcohol relative to your bedtime.

There are many foods that can help improve your sleep, but there are also foods that can make sleep more difficult. Try to avoid foods that are high in acidity, sugar, and fat. Acid can upset your stomach when you lie down, and fatty foods can increase your stomach’s production of acid. Foods heavy in protein can take a long time to digest, which can also keep you awake. Lastly, avoid foods that act as a diuretic. If you have to get up several times during the night to use the bathroom, you are not getting adequate rest.

If you’ve recently lost a loved one, you may be experiencing difficulty sleeping. This can exacerbate the stress you may already be feeling. While there is no instant solution for troubled sleep, these tips will help you ensure that you’re taking the necessary steps to prioritize healthy sleep during this difficult time.

At The Zinnia Practice, I provide counseling in the Temecula, Murrieta area. I also provide online counseling for high achieving women and couples throughout California and Texas. When you’re in therapy with me, you can be yourself-laugh, cry and let your guard down. I only take on a handful of clients at a time, which means that when we work together, you get individualized therapy services.

Let’s get you to your place of calm and confidence as quickly as possible.

For the Christian woman who wants to integrate scripture into our counseling sessions, I provide Christian counseling or Christian therapy in Murrieta and online.

For more information, please visit my website or contact me today!

How to connect with your spouse using acts of service

Whenever couples come to me for couples counseling in my office in the Temecula, Murrieta area, I often ask them what their love languages are.

Some couples know what love languages are, and others just typically look at me with a blank stare. To give you a quick summary, a love language is the way you like to be loved, and the way that you show love. There are 5 love languages- quality time, acts of service, gifts, physical touch and words of affirmation.

For most couples, they often try to love their partner in the way that they personally want to be loved- not the way their spouse actually wants to be loved. And here is where a lot of the breakdown in a relationship or marriage begins.

The struggle often happens, because both partners have two completely different love languages- making it very difficult to show love appropriately.

If your partner’s love language is acts of service, it simply means that they like you to do things to serve them, and this helps them feel truly loved. For them, love is a lot more than saying "I love you" or buying them gifts- actually showing it is how you can connect to them.

Before you roll your eyes at me, here are five simple ways that you can connect with your spouse or show your love to your spouse, using acts of service.

Make them breakfast in bed

Nobody ever said love is easy. Love is a sacrifice.

One very simple way to show your spouse some love is to make them breakfast in bed. You do not have to go all out, you do not even have to cook the food yourself- you can even order in.

But surprise your spouse with a simple breakfast in bed. Now if you are a great cook, then here's where you can really show off your skills. Think about simple meals that your partner loves and make it for them.

As a therapist in Temecula, I often encourage couples to infuse some spontaneity and forethought into their marriage. Acts of service are all about forethought.

If you really want to be fancy then you can throw in the garnishes, and even make a multiple course meal. But if that's not your thing just present the meal neatly and that’s it.

Iron their shirt for them (Or do something they hate)

If you have a spouse who wears shirts that get rumpled easily, surprise them and iron a shirt for them, or maybe even get a part of their outfit ready for them. Or you can pick up their dry-cleaning. Yes, I know that he can dress himself up or she can dress herself up, however this is all about going above and beyond so that they know that you love them.

For example if your spouse irons their shirt every morning, and you see that they have laid a shirt out the night before, you can go the extra mile to iron the shirt for them. It’ll surprise them and also communicate that you care. Stepping in the gap is my biggest marriage counseling tip.

Pay close attention and fill a need they have

When you're having a casual conversation with your spouse, and she mentions that she needs to get something from the store, you can actually offer to do it for them. It doesn't even have to be a big deal. Maybe they are out of their favorite crackers.

You can say to them: “Never mind I'll get it for you.” Or on your way back from work that day you can swing over to the store and get it for them. This might take an extra 10 minutes of time or maybe even take you no extra time at all because you plan to be at the store yourself. This will communicate to your spouse that you're listening to them and you care for them.

Fix something around the house or hire someone to fix it for you

If you happen to have some pretty handy skills, and you notice that something in the house is broken, an act of service could be fixing it before your spouse gets to it. Or both of you can fix it together.

This way you're spending quality time and also giving an act of service. If you happen to not be handy at all, and you know that your spouse will probably never get around to fixing it, rather than complaining, why not just hire someone? Boom! Acts of service.

Step in unexpectedly to give them a break

Let's say your spouse often drops the kids off at school on Mondays, but you know that they're having a particularly difficult Monday, and you have some room in your schedule to do it, just let them know that you can do it.

You can say something like “Don't worry. I'll take the kids to school so that you can prep for your meeting.”

Acts of service could be difficult to implement because they involve time and effort, but you don't have to necessarily do huge acts of service every single day. As long as you're paying attention, you can just step in in little areas where they are tired or they are lacking. It is about anticipating your spouse’s needs and communicating with them.

If your marriage has been riding the struggle bus, and you have wondered if Temecula marriage counseling will help you, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. You do not have to wait until your marriage is in complete breakdown to go to marriage counseling. Marriage counseling can help you restore the friendship and intimacy in your marriage.

I also provide Christian counseling in the Temecula, Murrieta area for couples who want to keep Jesus at the center of their marriage.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Generational curses: Fact or Fiction?

“I think my family is under a generational curse.”

This is a statement that I have heard over and over again. Sometimes people even go as far as to say that certain traits like anger, a loud tone of voice or impatience are part of the generational curse on their family.

When we believe that our parents’ traits (like a hot temper), is a curse, we resign to the idea that we are destined to repeat the cycles of the past.

Thereby creating a self fulfilling prophecy (You believe something will happen, therefore it actually does).

While I believe that parents and grandparents definitely pass down traits to their children, the good news is that we are not doomed by generational curses.

For more information on how families pass down various behaviors to one another, click here to learn more about the multigenerational transmission process.

“But Ibi, if we aren’t doomed by generational curses, then why is it that everyone in my family keeps repeating the same old mistakes?” Well, I’m glad you asked.

We often repeat behaviors we see when we were growing up for various reasons.

Let’s say when you were growing up, your dad always threw things to show his frustration. Then when your mom was frustrated, she yelled at you. You grow up believing that yelling and throwing things are appropriate ways to express your anger.

Perhaps you don’t know any other alternatives.

As you got older, not only did it become acceptable for you to cuss people out, scream and shout, your parents even encouraged you to do so- to show that you were “Strong.” Sometimes your parents actually praised you for having a hot temper. As you might know, praise tends to encourage behavior. So you continued in this pattern.

When you moved out of your neighborhood, you had to maintain this hot temper so that you were not taken advantage of. Eventually, you exhibited the hot temper at work. Your boss and coworkers are stunned at how quick you can flip, but you do not try to change your behavior- because your hot temper is a generational curse. You’ve resigned yourself to this.

Let’s look at it from another lens.

Breaking away from toxic family behaviors

Your upbringing was the same- dad threw things, mom yelled. You also became a yeller as you got older. However when you got to college, these behaviors became problematic for you. You began to struggle with professors, supervisors and other students.

You decide to seek help for your temper. Let’s say you seek out a licensed therapist. You learn different ways to communicate your feelings and help others understand what you need. You learn what your triggers are, set boundaries with loved ones and you learn to be more assertive- rather than aggressive.

Your life changes for the better

Very soon, you begin to thrive at work and your relationships blossom. Because you decided to take a step to break that generational curse, your kids won’t struggle with the same problem that you and your parents did.

Instead, they will inherit a legacy of clear communication, empathy and understanding. When they are upset, you teach them healthy communication tools, you listen to them, validate them and show them how to be assertive, rather than aggressive.

While your family of origin can influence your future, they do not have to determine it. You might have learned quite a lot of behaviors that served your parents well, but if those behaviors no longer serve you, you have the power to work on changing them.

Remember that!

Cheers to now being a generational curse breaker and stopping the cycle of toxicity in your family.

Seek help from a licensed therapist in Murrieta/Temecula

If you realize that you were raised in a toxic family dynamic, and you are ready to break the toxic family cycle, ditch anxiety and learn how to speak up for yourself, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. I provide therapy services of counseling for women in the Murrieta/Temecula area. I also provide online counseling for California residents online.

You are a change maker.

Tips to Manage fear and anxiety during COVID-19

This year has definitely been a strange one. We started it celebrating the start of a new decade. I’m sure you had lots of hopes and dreams, vacation plans and all sorts of great goals. But then COVID-19 swooped in and attempted to take over our entire lives. We are currently in month 2 of social distancing. While that could sound bleak, it’s important to note that there is a lot of hope.

 For many, there has been quite a lot of anxiety and fear. After all, we aren’t used to staying away from our loved ones, wearing face masks and being in the middle of a global pandemic. If you are currently experiencing fear or anxiety, here are some tips to help you manage it.

Limit exposure to news and social media

The news is all around us, letting us know death counts, infection rates and giving us a minute by minute update. For some people, that information is helpful. But if you are already experiencing anxiety, a minute by minute update might not be what you need.

To help with this, watch the news in small doses. You don’t have to be glued to the TV 24/7. Just watch enough to be informed. Some people skip the news altogether. Do what works for you. But if you want to watch TV while skipping the news, you can watch a comedy show, a game show, an educational piece or even a cartoon. There are quite a lot of options out there.

Focus on what you can control

Social distancing is difficult. Let’s face it. We are not used to putting up such strong barriers to protect others from us or vice versa. Life used to be easy. We could just get into our cars and drive wherever we wanted, without even thinking about it. But lately we have to keep a physical distance from others and disinfect everything. While you might not have the answers to curing COVID-19, there is a lot you can control.

• You can control how often and how well you wash your hands.

• How you social distance.

• Your home environment.

• The memories you make within your home.

• How you react to this situation.

• The way you think about this situation.

• How you stay in contact with your loved ones (we might be physically distanced, but we can remain emotionally connected)

Take it day by day

When you struggle with anxiety, there is often a need to control the future. You worry about what the future holds and how you can prevent bad things from happening. Although you might not have the answers to COVID-19, take it one day at a time and focus on other things.

When you wake up in the morning, aim to make the best out of your day. Focus on getting through each day. And if getting through each day feels too long, focus on taking it minute by minute. Take care of your physical needs by scheduling sleep, adhering to a bedtime and wake up time and surround yourself with things you love. You can channel your energy into maintaining your space, work, crafts, connecting with loved ones and diving into your artistic side.

Protect your Kids

If you are a parent of young kids, it’s important to be mindful of what you say and watch around them. Kids don’t quite understand what they see and hear on TV. Watching death counts can be quite alarming to some kids. Ensure that you mix up your conversation. Although we might be in a pandemic, there are other topics to talk about. 

Engage with your kids like you used to before COVID-19. You can play with them, go on walks, have them help you around the house, and just be the loving parent that you are. Ensure that there is some semblance of structure to help them feel safe and secure. Kids will not remember all the fine details regarding the pandemic, but they’ll remember how they felt when they were in lockdown with you. 

Take care of yourself using positive coping

I always teach my clients the importance of having multiple coping skills in your tool box. Some coping skills that could help you manage anxiety during COVID-19 are deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, mindfulness exercises, prayer, positive affirmations, deep breathing and body scans. And if you like apps, Calm is my very favorite. You can use it to guide you with some of these skills. Here are some additional amazing tips about healthy habits you can practice without even leaving your home.

Maintain close bonds with your loved ones

I’m so glad that we are living in a technology age. Can you imagine if we were social distancing without phones or the internet? Although you might not be able to see some of your loved ones, you can call, text and video chat. Use your imagination and make it fun. 

• You can watch movies together

• Have a game night

• Tea time

• Family cooking competition

• Bible study

• Prayer night

• Virtual workout sessions

Use your imagination and have fun with it!

There you have it. Some simple ways to manage your anxiety and fear during the pandemic. And if you are a woman who is struggling with anxiety or insomnia, I’m currently seeing clients from all over California virtually. Call me on 951-905-3181 to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call so you can make anxiety and fear a thing of the past. You can also email me here.

Ready to ditch anxiety and fear?

Click to download the FREE e-book now.

8 Myths about therapy or counseling

Perhaps you have thought of seeking a therapist, but you are not sure what the outcome will be. Maybe your friends have had a negative interaction with a therapist, which makes you wary. Below I address a few myths about therapy and I delve into the truth from my perspective.

Please note that all therapists are different, and each of us approaches our work in a different way.

Your therapist only talks about the past:

I’ve read this one in many social media forums. There is a general idea that it is the therapist’s job to blame your mother for everything that’s going wrong in your life or to only focus on the things that have happened in your past. Well many many years ago, there was a time when your mother would have been blamed for pretty much every shortcoming you have. But we therapists have advanced beyond that. We now know that even though your environment does shape you, your personality, other biological factors and life experiences all play a role in your life.

So don’t worry. I will most certainly NOT focus solely on your past when you come to see me. While I believe that your past is a window into your present, I don’t dwell entirely on the past.

Your therapist can’t help you with your goals and dreams:

Many people believe that a therapist is simply someone who diagnoses you, but then after that the focus is on ‘Fixing.’ The truth is that there are many theoretical orientations that therapists adhere to. I utilize Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Solution Focused Therapy. As a Solution Focused Therapist we talk about what you want your life to look like, and we then create practical steps to help you get there. It’s quite present focused and it’s very powerful in helping you figure out what barriers prevent you from reaching your dreams, as well as getting the motivation to actually make those dreams come true.

Your therapist is focused on pathology and mental illness:

A lot of people run away from therapists because they believe that they will be diagnosed with some scary illness. I totally get it. I wouldn’t want a scary illness following me around either. If this is a concern for you, have a conversation with your therapist before you begin services. Ask him or her if there will be a diagnosis, and I also encourage you to ask about what diagnosis will be given to you. Knowledge is power.

When I meet with clients, my focus is actually more on their strengths than their areas of growth. I believe it is my job to help you uncover strengths so that you can utilize those strengths to actually become the person you’ve dreamed of. We also talk about your support system and how they can help you improve your life.

Side note: If you plan to use your healthcare insurance, it’s important to know that insurance companies typically only reimburse services if your therapist has diagnosed you. So this is an important factor to weigh when you decide to go through your insurance. Depending on your future career, a mental health diagnosis does remain as part of your permanent record.

Your therapist has to tell your loved ones that you’re in therapy:

This is a big, fat no no. Now while there are some situations in which the therapist might have to involve your loved ones in your care (for example if you are a danger to yourself), whatever you say in the therapy room is typically not shared with your loved ones, employer or colleague. Now if you want your loved ones involved in your care or if you want to bring them into session to support you, you absolutely can work that out with your therapist. But when you work with a therapist, expect that your information will remain the therapy room.

A special note here. Therapists are mandated reporters, so in some cases we will have to make a report. Read more about that here.

Your therapist will shame you:

It is never your therapist’s job to shame you, berate you or make you feel bad about yourself. Her (or his) job is to be your support, to help you feel better, to discover patterns of behavior that you haven’t noticed about yourself, and to see improvement. We do a lot deeper work than if you were to read a self development book. If your therapist is shaming you, it’ll be really difficult for therapy to be successful.

All your therapist does is nod and smile:

While it might seem like all we do is nod and smile, we are paying serious attention to you. We are looking at your body language to see if you are comfortable, uncomfortable and how things are affecting you. We actively listen for patterns that might be important for us to change. In some forms of therapy like in EMDR or Brainspotting, the therapist might even bring in gadgets to help you change unhelpful patterns. In some instances we bring in worksheets, videos, or audio materials to help you. Outside of session we often plan out the session ahead of time, look for helpful materials and when you leave the room, we are ensuring that we are keeping good notes so that we can continue with an effective plan of action. Sometimes we even coordinate your care with your psychiatrist, physician or any other professional in your life whom you choose to be a part of your care.

You have to be on medication to be in therapy:

As a licensed marriage and family therapist in California, I am unable to prescribe or sell you medications. I am even unable to give you advice about what medications to take and when to take them. Medication is the job of nurses, physicians and pharmacists. In fact you do not have to be on medication or even want medication to be in therapy. Medication is your choice and you can decide to do what is best for you. If you are thinking about taking medications, I would highly suggest that you have a conversation with a physician so that you can make an informed decision.

Therapy is for “Crazy people” with serious problems:

I hear this one A LOT. The truth is I have never had a “Crazy” client and I am not even sure what that word means. To participate in therapy, you have to have a certain level of insight. It’s important that you aware of who you are, where you are, what day and time it is, what goals you are trying to accomplish, etc. To work with me, we have to be able to communicate with each other effectively and I only work with people who actually want to work with me. So I guess “Crazy people” by default, probably won’t be able to benefit from traditional therapy.

You also don’t have to have “Serious” life and death problems to benefit from therapy. Some people come to therapy after they relocate so they can work on the adjustment. Others come because they have struggles in their jobs, mild depression, mild anxiety, struggles in their relationship, difficulty making friends, or they just need someone to provide them with emotional support.

Sometimes mom life can get you feeling stressed or sleeping issues and insomnia can lead you to seek therapy (Another side note: Yes your therapist can help you resolve insomnia. I personally utilize a short-term 5 to 7 session insomnia treatment called CBT for insomnia or CBT i. Read more about that here). No problem is too small for therapy because we can all benefit from a little extra support. Sometimes, therapy is purely preventative. You come in when your symptoms are still very mild so that you prevent them from becoming severe.

If you’re ready to try therapy and get rid of anxiety or insomnia, I offer a free 15 minute consultation call. While my therapy office is in Murrieta, I also see women from all over California via a secure form of tele therapy. Click here to request your free consultation call.

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