A lesson on showing up as the real you (even if your family doesn't understand you)

If you are the ‘Different one’ or the one who stands out in your family, it could be very difficult to show up just as you are. Or perhaps you’re still not sure who the real you actually is.

Maybe you were bullied, laughed at and basically told that you were not good enough. Maybe you had to spend your time trying to be like everyone else- begging to fit in. No matter how hard you tried, it just didn’t work. Sometimes when you are the non-toxic one in your family, you learn to build a persona to protect yourself.

There’s the you who puts up a suit of armor so that you can protect yourself from your family, and there’s the you who shows up in all other situations.

But it’s painful to constantly switch back and forth. After a while you don’t know who you are. Here’s a simple way to begin to show up as you.

It starts with self-validation

In my counseling practice, I love to give my clients exercises. Get out a sheet of paper, set an alarm for 5 minutes and write out as many good qualities about yourself that you can think of. Naturally, you will begin to think of all the negative messages your family or loved ones have sent you over the years.

For example, if one of your positive qualities is “I’m a great artist,” you might be tempted to delete that one because your family doesn’t embrace your art. Please don’t.

Self-validation is not about what your family or the world thinks about you. It is unlearning the toxic messages you were taught and re-learning how to embrace your own inner beauty- so that you can finally let go of the anxiety that comes with pretending to be someone that you’re not. It is coming to acceptance that you matter and your feelings matter.

Take stock of those you surround yourself with

On that same sheet of paper, write down the top 5-10 people you spend most of your time with. Think of the people you text the most, the ones you talk to on the phone the most, as well as who you follow on social media. Do you feel like you can be yourself around them? Or do you reach for your persona when you’re in those spaces?

Next to each person’s name, write down how you feel when you interact with them. Just use one or two words.

Are they pouring positivity into you or do you feel awful after every interaction with them? If you must show up as yourself, the people around you also have to be people who give you the space to be you.

Do a little social media/friend purge:

The beauty of social media is that it can transport us to beautiful, faraway places. The downside is it could sometimes lead to self loathing and sadness. Set another timer and go through your friends/follow list. How do you feel as you see the names and pictures of each social media friend?

Rely on your intuition. It never leads you astray. It might be time to mute or delete social media friends who are not adding positive value to your life.

Now on to real life friends. Take a moment to determine who your real friends are. Who has been there to celebrate you when things are going well? Write their names down.

Who was there to lean on when things weren’t going so well? Write their names down.

Who are the ones who try to outshine you, put you down or try to make you feel small? Write their names down. Remember that you can make a conscious choice to either surround yourself with loving, uplifting people or energy suckers.

The choice is yours. Give yourself permission to do it!

As a therapist for women and couples in Murrieta, CA one of my most important tasks is to teach my clients how to show up as themselves. Regardless of the level of toxicity you were raised in, I help high achieving women learn how to stand up for themselves, find their authentic voices and ditch toxicity.

If you are ready to roll up your sleeves, ditch anxiety and start showing up as the real you, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. I’m a Black therapist in Murrieta who sees women and couples throughout California.

Finding understanding with difficult family members and loved ones

Being the odd one out within a family can be hard.

You try your best to blend in, but it always feels like a punch in the gut when you are reminded that you are different. You keep your opinions to yourself, but once in a while, your true self comes peeking through.

Unfortunately, your true self isn’t celebrated.

You feel like you are being pigeon holed. But you know that you don’t belong in a box. You want to be yourself and express yourself in your own unique way. Here are 4 ways to possibly find understanding from difficult family members.

1) Get realistic about what type of relationship you can have with family members

When you are the different one within your family, finding acceptance could feel like a losing game. You try really hard, but they still reject or misunderstand you. Take a moment to ask yourself what you want from that relationship. Are your wants actually realistic or would your entire family have to change who they are in order for you to get what you want?

Let go of the idea that you will be fully embraced by everyone. Chances are your entire family probably won’t change at once, so maybe you can change what you expect from them.

Your family and loved ones don’t have to share the same interests and hobbies as you. It’s even possible that they don’t completely understand you.

Accept that and move forward. Find commonalities if you can.

2) Stop arguing with family members

When you seek acceptance from others, sometimes you can get sucked into the trap of arguing back and forth with them. Sometimes we try to force others to understand our point of view.

It does you no good to try to force people to understand you.

As long as you understand your own values and your worth, it no longer will be so important for others to truly embrace your values.

Avoid hot button topics that trigger the unwelcome opinions of your family and loved ones. Stick to neutral topics, and that way your visits with them will be so much more pleasant.

In my therapy practice in Murrieta, CA, I teach my clients how to respond assertively, while navigating difficult family dynamics.

3) Validate yourself

No matter how strong or opinionated you are, it is definitely painful to not be accepted by the ones you love. Take some time to grieve the relationships that were lost and the strained relationships. Find people who see you and get you. Sometimes your friends can feel so much more comforting than your own family members.

Not all family has to be related to you by blood. Sometimes friends become like family.

Remind yourself that your worth is not determined by the opinions of others. Even if you are the odd one in the family, you are still deserving of love and acceptance.

Remind yourself of that when times get hard. If you struggle with this, counseling in Temecula can help.

4) Create healthy boundaries

Keeping healthy boundaries is the best way to survive a difficult or toxic family dynamic. The positive part is that you decide what boundaries to set.

If you are in the presence of a very contentious family member, keep conversations short, polite and to the point.

You also do not have to pick up every single phone call or respond to text messages immediately. When a text comes in, take a moment and think through it before responding.

Focus on 2 or 3 conversation topics and don’t accept the invite to debate on hot button topics. Know what occasions and family gatherings to skip.

If you do decide to attend family gatherings, know that you have the option of a short visit. Don’t punish yourself by showing up early and leaving late.

Although you don’t get to choose your family, you can decide how to maneuver your relationships so that you’re not feeling dreadful every time you interact with them.

If you are a woman in the Murrieta/Temecula area who is feeling tired and hurt by the rejection from a toxic family, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call, so you can learn how to manage anxiety, speak up for yourself and learn how to set healthy boundaries. I’m a Black therapist in Murrieta, CA who helps women find their voice, manage difficult relationships and learn how to show up authentically.

As a counselor in California, I see clients throughout California through my HIPAA compliant online office.

Is your family toxic?

Our behavior and the way we show up in the world, is a result of both nature and nurture. Some of us were born with a certain temperament, and then our environment also shaped us further into who we are.

But some people grew up with family members that didn’t quite pour into them the way that they should.

When we think of family, many of us think of kindness, warmth and validation, but for others, family relationships are quite complicated.

I call the latter, “Toxic Families.” I am aware that the word ‘toxic’ does sound incredibly harsh, but I define toxicity as a pattern of behavior that feels emotionally damaging. I don’t use the word ‘toxic’ for run of the mill family arguments or simple disagreements. The word is reserved for an ongoing damaging pattern of behavior within families.

Please note that going around and calling people toxic will probably lead to lots of arguments and animosity. I simply use the word as a framework to help you understand the effects that these people could have on you.

With that being said, here are some signs that your family might be toxic.

Unnecessary competition

Families should ideally support one another, but in a toxic dynamic, family members compete with one another all the time. There is this idea that there isn’t enough room for everyone, so members must claw their way to the top. Because of this unnecessary competition, family members often put one another down, and the focus sometimes is on achievements, rather than the value of the person.

Invalidation

In a functional dynamic, family members allow one another to have and feel all of their emotions. But in a toxic environment, family members appear to pick and choose which emotions they think are okay.

In some families, happiness is the only emotion allowed. In others, expressing anger is okay, but sadness is frowned upon. If sadness is frowned upon, then family members learn how to stuff their emotions down and pretend like they don’t feel sad. Other times, their sadness will be expressed through anger.

When a brave family member begins to discuss his or her deepest fears, worries and sadness, often times, family members will respond with “Is that why you’re crying?” or “That’s not a good reason to cry.” or “Don’t be weak.” All this does is it shuts the doors to genuine human closeness.

Playing favorites

Because of the competitive nature of toxic families, there is usually only room for 1 golden child. Children learn from a young age that 1 sibling is the favorite and that they should either compete, or learn to accept being second class citizens. This often leads to jealousy and hurt among siblings. Sometimes parents will actually tell everyone that they have a favorite child. As the kids grow up, the favorite child still remains the favorite, while the other siblings harbor silent resentment or bitterness.

Lots of criticism and arguing

Family members typically enjoy criticizing one another because of the competition and lack of emotional depth between them. If you are not allowed to display deep emotions, your only choice becomes keeping things superficial. And superficial conversations typically revolve around things like money, clothing, the weather, TV shows and one’s looks. Because competition is so strong in these families, criticism becomes a way of life. They have to criticize one another so that 1 of them can successfully claw his/her way to the top.

Arguing also becomes a way of life because family members have never been taught how to listen and validate one another. When you can’t validate the experiences of others, you tend to argue in a bid to break them down or get them to think like you.

Secrets

Secrets tend to run rampant in these families.  Because they are not allowed to really be vulnerable with one another, things are hidden. The problem with this is that if something really bad (like abuse) happens, it’ll get swept under the rug. The issue with secrets is that they simply perpetuate the problem. The best way to break these cycles is to discuss them and work through them. In many toxic situations, when someone discusses a difficult topic, the other family members either invalidate them or bully them into silence.

People pleasing

Because everyone wants to be the golden child, family members often try to people please. There's little room for independent thoughts and group think is the norm. If you don’t think or agree with the others, you can be criticized or sometimes, even ostracized. And since no one wants to suffer these consequences, it’s a lot easier to just conform.

These are some of the dynamics that occur in toxic families. The great thing is you do not have to perpetuate the same patterns you were raised in. Once you have an awareness about toxicity, make it a point to do things differently.

• Validate people’s emotions.

• Create a loving environment for your family.

• Treat people equally.

• Work through some of the issues in therapy.

If you realize that you have been raised in a toxic family dynamic, and you are ready to finally let go of people pleasing, anxiety and find your voice, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. I’m a Black counselor in California who offers online therapy in California for women and couples.

You can break the cycle.

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What is online therapy really like?

Technology can be a beautiful thing. Especially while the pandemic was in full swing. Can you imagine how horrific our lives would be if we couldn’t FaceTime our loved ones or hear their voices over the phone?

Or if the kids had to be completely out of school due to a lack of technology? But teachers everywhere were able to breathe a sigh of relief because Zoom and Google Meet kept them connected to their students.

And I am certainly happy to be a therapist in this day and age. Because it means that my clients can still continue to work on their anxiety and insomnia.

Did you know that many therapists provide online counseling? Actually I can legally provide online therapy to clients throughout California. So that way, I can keep helping you reduce anxiety, finally get rid of insomnia and work through your marital problems in marriage counseling- without leaving the comfort of your home.

Before we talk about whaat online therapy is like, let’s first talk about what you need before starting online counseling.

Tools you need to begin online therapy counseling in California.

First of all, let’s talk about what you need in order to be ready for online therapy.

1) A quiet location: I highly suggest that you are alone and distraction free when you meet with your therapist online. Shut down other devices, put head phones on if you need to and utilize this time as you normally would if you were at your therapist’s office.

2) A strong internet connection: Online therapy works best if you have a strong internet connection. That way you can see and hear your therapist clearly, and your session isn’t interrupted.

3) A device that can connect to the internet: This goes without saying. You’ll need a phone, tablet, laptop or desktop that is connected to the internet.

4) Something to prop up your device: If you’re using a tablet or a phone, I highly suggest that you prop up your device to keep it still. This will save your arm during your session and also keep the video still so that your therapist doesn’t have to stare at shaky video for almost an hour.

What is online therapy like?

Online therapy is quite similar to in person therapy. The major difference is that you are not able to come into my counseling office in Murrieta. It feels similar to a Skype or FaceTime call. You can see and hear me through your computer or phone. And I can also see and hear you.

However, I do not use Skype or FaceTime. I prefer to use Doxy.me, which is a secure online platform created specifically for health providers.

Your online security and confidentiality are important to me.

The process I use for online therapy is also very easy. You can connect with me in 3 simple steps:

1) Step 1: You type or click my confidential Doxy link. I use the same link every time.

2) Step 2: Enter your name so that I know it’s you.

3) Step 3: Wait until I add you and we begin our session.

It’s truly that easy.

During our online therapy session you can talk like you normally would, I sound the same as I always do. I use the same tools and skills that I do in person.

Some people think that online therapy is a watered down version of in person therapy. But that’s not true. You gain just as much from online therapy as you would if you saw me in person.

The only difference is that you don’t get to soak in the ambience of my Murrieta counseling office. I sometimes tell clients to get a glass of water, put on sounds of nature and also diffuse their favorite oils during an online session. This way your therapy hour becomes a wholistic experience.

Some times people ask if online therapy is just as effective as in person therapy. I certainly think so, as I use the same skills and knowledge online and I would in person. let’s put it like this. With online therapy, you don’t have to get all dressed up if you don’t want to, you can work on yourself from the comfort of your home or office. No need to navigate through traffic or spend extra time getting ready.

Some people absolutely love the convenience of online sessions, while others prefer in person sessions. I typically use my professional judgement to only see clients whom I believe online sessions will benefit. If I don’t think you’ll be a great candidate for online therapy or counseling, then I will definitely let you know.

If you are ready to finally get rid of anxiety, insomnia or regain the friendship you once had in your marriage through marriage counseling or couples therapy, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call.

I am a Black therapist in Murrieta, CA who helps women of color and couples break generational cycles and find friendship again.

Blog updated October 3, 2022.

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How your therapist is really feeling

Today’s blog post is going to be a bit different. We are living in pretty strange times. None of us has ever been through a pandemic. None of us has ever had to distance ourselves from our loved ones. None of us has had to walk around with face masks and hand sanitizer.

We’ve never done this before.

And so I want to have a heart to heart with you. I want to take off my therapist hat for a moment and put on my human hat. My citizen hat.

As a therapist, it is my job to hold space for my clients. I go into the dark spaces, they tell me things they’ve never told anyone, we create amazing transformation! I always have my clients’ best interests at the forefront of my mind. From my website, to the way my phone is answered, to my emails, to my gorgeous mental health spa (my office), I pride myself in giving my clients a top notch experience. Everything has been curated especially for my clients.

Everything I do is to ensure that my clients have a beautiful, one of a kind experience. Working with me is a whole mood in itself.

I don’t provide cookie cutter service at all, because I know each individual I work with is unique. For some people, I provide Christian counseling- we integrate scripture and faith into the details of the work we do.

Yes, prayer and Jesus are allowed in my therapy office.

For others, I utilize Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBTI), or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). I use my expertise to help you knock anxiety down, finally say goodbye to insomnia or help repair your marriage.

And my loud, loud laughter often echoes through the office while we are in session. My clients know exactly what I mean.

But in this season, things have changed.

Things look different. My mental health spa office is no longer open for clients to sit in. I’ve had lots of people tell me how much they miss my soft blue microfiber couch, my assorted teas, my sound machine and the smell of lemongrass.

Oh, the smell of lemongrass.

Lean in, let me tell you a secret. I miss those things too.

I’m now solely seeing clients online. Although I’ve always offered online counseling services for people throughout Calfornia, this is the first time that I’ve had to practice 100 percent online.

It’s challenging. For you AND for me.

But you know what remains the same? Our resiliency. Your resiliency. Over the years I’ve worked with some amazing people and I’ve seen how truly strong the human spirit can be.

I’ve seen people rise from the impossible. I’ve seen chronic insomniacs finally sleep well after 10 years of angst. I’ve seen people who were in the pit of anxiety, finally take control of their own lives, ditch people pleasing, walk a little bit taller and use their big girl voices again!

I’ve seen couples who practically hate each other, finally hold hands again, giggle like high school kids and fight for their love after going through couples counseling.

I’ve seen people heal from trauma, after putting in so much work while sitting on my soft blue microfiber therapy couch.

But something remains the same.

• I still have my therapist’s heart. I am still committed to helping my clients fight anxiety and insomnia.

• I am still committed to making therapy feel like an entire mood (my clients know what that means).

• I still have my unusually loud, echoey laugh.

• I still provide individualized counseling or therapy services for people in the Temecula/Murrieta area. Actually I’ve always provided online therapy for women throughout California.

• I am still here to walk into the dark, scary spaces and help you reach the light.

• I am still here to pray with you when you want that.

• I am still here with all my knowledge, expertise and experience.

• I can still give you homework, make you think deeper than ever and push you so that you can flex those emotional muscles.

• I am still here to provide you with what you need. Although this pandemic has created some unique circumstances, technology allows me to continue to provide therapy services using a secure platform.

If you are a woman in California, struggling with anxiety or insomnia, don’t wait until things seem normal to reach out. Reach out now. Your future self will thank you.

I am a Black therapist in Murrieta, CA who is committed to helping women of color, find generational healing and finally feel comfortable using their voice. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call.

I also provide online counseling in California to all California residents.

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