Why married moms are so exhausted (And how husbands can better support them)

One of the biggest struggles I see in my Houston couples counseling practice, is that women feel overworked and overburdened. If your wife consistently has been feeling overwhelmed, here are some ways you can better support her. It’s not just great for her, it’ll boost your marriage relationship.

Here are some reasons why married moms feel disconnected from their spouses.

1) Moms are carrying too much of the mental load

Even among couples who divide the domestic work, moms typically are responsible for way too much. Even though both the husband and the wife might cook, clean, grocery shop and pick kids up from school, working married moms still have significantly more to think about. This increase in mental load could create resentment and exhaustion.

News flash! Exhaustion is NOT sexy in your marriage.

What exactly do I mean by ‘carrying too much of the mental load?’ Let’s take the kids’ education for example. Even though I see lots of dads in the pickup line at school (which is great), in addition to school pickup, moms are usually responsible for:

• Doing research on the best schools for your kids to attend

• Actually filling out the paperwork so your kids can attend school

• Ordering uniforms, school clothes and supplies

• Ensuring the kids are fed in the morning before school and that they are on time for school

• Helping kids with homework and projects

• Doing research about extracurricular activities

• Signing the kids up for these activities

• Following up with teachers and coaches about their kids’ performance, and the list goes on and on.

  So while dads are picking and dropping kids off, moms are responsible for at least 9 more activities. And that is in just 1 area of life alone.

  If mom is working outside of the home, she has to do this in addition to her job. Might I also add that mom is usually the go to contact in school? So teachers will email or text moms before even thinking about reaching out to dad.

After dealing with stuff like this, women will feel quite under appreciated and exhausted. Can you imagine how this can negatively impact your marriage?

How to support her:

In my Houston marriage counseling practice, I encourage couples to have regular conversations about the division of labor in the household. Although it might seem like things are fair, moms are carrying much more emotional labor than they need to. Dads should make it clear to the school that they are a valuable point of contact regarding kids’ behavior and ongoing school activities.

This conversation should also be had regarding other areas in the household such as domestic chores, healthcare, managing money, etc.

2) some husbands are not checking in on their wives enough

Moms are typically the backbone of the household. The kids go to her for everything- even when dad is sitting right next to the kids. While this can seem so lovely and it’s definitely a blessing, it’s overwhelming for many moms.

While some dads might think moms are just naturally better at this kind of stuff, it’s just a myth. Moms only become ‘better at kid stuff’ because they are often the default. As moms listen to and problem solve with the kids all day, it sends the message that mom is the go to for anything child-related or domestic.

And as mom is taking care of these activities, she often feels alone. She has to juggle her career, attending to the needs of the kids, focusing in the other relationships in her life and trying to be a great wife.

Often times women will check in with their husbands during the day to ensure that they have everything they need to be successful. But who checks up on women? It is sometimes assumed that because moms are able to juggle so many tasks, they don’t need emotional and physical support.

How to support her:

When kids are sitting right next to you, but they ask mom for help, redirect them back to you. It’s important that dads are established as a valid resource in the household. You don’t have to wait until you get to couples cousneling to do this (although marriage counseling is a great place to have this conversation too). Remember that moms aren’t intrinsically better at domestic duritess or child rearing activities. Moms only become good at these activities because they have a lot of practice in this area.

If dads intentionally engage within the household, they too will become so much better and more capable. It’s a win win because mom will have some stress off her back, and dads relationship with the kids will improve.

3) moms don’t get much of a break

Moms often do not get much of a break. After spending all day at work, they have to come back home to kids who need their attention, a pile of laundry, they have to figure out what’s for dinner, and they still have to meet the emotional needs of their husband and kids.

By the end of the night, they are emotionally drained and completely overwhelmed. This does not leave a lot of mental space for them to chase their own dreams, put their feet up or just feel calm. This also takes a toll on their marriage too because by the time the day is over, they don’t have anything else to give.

How to support her:

Normalize having regular check ins with your wife. Never assume that the status quo is working well for her. Periodically, ask her how’s she’s feeling, what she needs and how you can best support her. Make this a two way conversation so she knows how you would like support too. When she knows that you see her and validate her feelings, she’ll trust you more and feel closer to you.

4)You stopped dating her when you said “I do.”

Marriage is a continuous dance. You have to keep dating and getting to know each other for the rest of your lives. Typically, both parties spend a lot of time together during the dating phase and a bit into the first year of marriage, but once the kids come, the marriage usually takes the backseat to domestic responsibilities.

Date night goes out of the window, you stop telling her how pretty she is, words of affirmation are nonexistent, and before you know it, you’re trapped in a roommate/coworker situation.

How to support her:

Intentionally plan date nights and outings. Marriage is a continued process of change and excitement. Don’t be boring. Embrace adventure and novelty in your marriage. Find new places to visit together, watch new shows together, try to find new interests and invite excitement into your marriage. Many moms feel like being a mom is their only identity. They feel a sense of loss of self and they struggle to find who they are again.

And even if you’r not able to go on adventures together, plan quality time within your home or around your neighborhood.

If you are ready to learn how to finally support each in your marriage, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call to see if couples therapy in Houston is right for you. You can actually have a blissful marriage. It doesn't have to be so hard.

About the author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help married couples in Houston learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps and find out more about marriage counseling in Houston, click here to schedule your free 15-min consultation call.

Houston Marriage Counseling Tips: 5 Sure signs you need to fire your marriage counselor ASAP

As a trained Christian marriage counselor in Houston or couples therapist in Houston, I understand that couples therapy is a skill that not every therapist possesses. And this is no shade whatsoever. After all, I consider my skills in child and adolescent therapy to be quite average, which is why I don’t work with kids.

In fact, many marriage and family therapists, as well as counselors do not see couples- because they know it’s another kettle of fish altogether. By the way, this is a great thing. I believe it’s more important to specialize in a skill set that you’re great at, rather than providing a multitude of subpar services.

What you might not know is that many licensed marriage and family therapists do not have adequate training to skillfully practice couples therapy (don’t let our title fool you). So before you embark on your couples therapy journey in Houston, it is important to first ask your therapist if they do indeed have the necessary training to accomplish such an important task.

That being said, here are some signs that you need to fire your Houston marriage counselor or couples therapist ASAP.

1) They don’t do a thorough assessment when they start couples therapy with you

When you go into couples therapy in Houston, it’s important that you’re not just jumping from one argument to the other. The therapist should take a step back and get to know you and your partner well. This is because a lot of useful information can be unearthed by doing a thorough assessment.

You’ll learn how your upbringing affects the way you are as a wife, how past traumas play a role in your relationship, how different unspoken rules are plaguing your relationship, amongst other dynamics. Most importantly, you’ll learn how underlying patterns are working to either build your marriage up or tear it down.

2) They spend a whole bunch of your marriage counseling time listening to you and your spouse arguing

Marriage counseling in Houston should certainly not feel like a war every single session. Yes, sometimes sessions can leave you feeling drained, but it shouldn’t be a he-said, she-said event every single week. The goal of couples therapy is to help you gain tools that will help you improve your relationship- not to give you the necessary ammunition to destroy your marriage.

So if every couples counseling session is feeling like a never ending argument, that’s a red flag. It is a sign that your marriage counselor isn’t adequately skilled in couples therapy. Trust me, working with couples is very different than working in individual therapy.

3) Your marriage counselor doesn't have any training in couples therapy

Well this should have been number 1 on my list. And how do you know if your couples therapist has training in couples therapy? All you have to do is ask them. When you sign up for a consultation with your couples therapist, or during the first session, just ask “What type of couples therapy training do you have?” Easy peasy. I personally prefer the Gottman Method, and I’m trained in level 1 and level 2, but honestly, it doesn't matter what method they use- as long as they have some sort of training in marriage counseling.

4) Your marriage counselor appears to be taking sides

This is a big one. Each partner in couples therapy should feel seen, heard and respected. But I’ve heard tales of couples therapists who clearly side with one partner- leaving the other feeling alienated.

As a Houston couples therapist, it is not beyond me to call you out from time to time. If you for example are blatantly rude to your spouse in my presence, I’ll call you out. If you show up every week without doing the marriage counseling homework, I will call you out, and if you have a clear pattern of behavior that isn’t helping your marriage, I will call you out. But my goal is for both of you to win. And I don’t play couples therapy favorites.

If you feel disrespected by your couples therapist, feel free to let them know. If they do not validate your feelings or their behavior persists, it might be time to terminate couples therapy or marriage counseling. Your emotional safety is a priority.

5) You consistently feel uncomfortable in couples therapy

And this goes for every type of therapy interaction you have. There has to be a good fit between you and your couples therapist. If something about them makes your skin crawl, if you find it challenging to open up to them after multiple session, if you just don’t like their vibe, or if something feels consistently off, then it’s time to let them go.

Sometimes it might mean you’re not ready for couples therapy. So take a moment to take stock of what’s going on internally. Other times, it means the couples therapist isn’t the right marriage counselor for you. That’s okay. There are probably hundreds of marriage counselors in Houston for you to pick from. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right marriage counselor for you.

If you are in the market for a couples therapist in Houston who will give you the necessary tools you need to help your marriage succeed, and who isn’t afraid to call you out when you’re making a mess, then I might be the couples therapist in Houston or you.

I’m a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston who believes that therapy should work. If you want to find out if we’re a great fit in therapy click here to schedule a free consultation call. You deserve a marriage that’s fun, light and safe.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Houston marriage counseling tips: Do you want a divorce or are you just bored in your marriage?

As a couples therapist in Houston, I sometimes get calls from couples who say that they think they want a divorce. It is not uncommon for me to do co-parenting or ‘healthy divorce’ sessions.

Sometimes couples want a divorce, but they want to avoid all the fighting and drama that goes with it, so couples therapy for them looks like negotiating healthy boundaries so that they have as amicable a divorce as possible.

But before you sign the divorce papers, it is important to ask yourself whether you actually want a divorce or if you're just bored with the way things are. Maybe you're just frustrated and have lost hope that things can work out.

Here’s how to find out if you actually want a divorce.

1) Do you want to spend energy working towards a solution for your marriage?

Whether you get marriage counseling or couples therapy to work on your marriage, you get couples therapy to work on co-parenting, or you decide not to get therapy at all, you will be expending some energy. It’s important to ask yourself what you would like to spend your energy on.

If no one has told you this, let me be the first to tell you- couples therapy is hard work. It’s a very active process. You’ll have to sit, listen, practice skills, be vulnerable and do homework (fun!). If you don’t actually do the homework, you and your spouse will end up back at square one- bored, at each other’s throats and on the brink of divorce.

2) If a solution to your marriage troubles were presented to you, would you take it?

If I waved a magic wand today, and I gave you a special solution to fix your marriage, would you actually take it?

If the answer is yes, then perhaps you don’t actually want a divorce. You want a solution for your marriage. Maybe you’ve tried all the things, read all the books, tried to get your husband or wife to see reason, and nothing has worked. So you decide that it’s time for a divorce.

But have you tried marriage counseling in Houston? A skilled marriage counselor in Houston can help you work on improving your communication, navigating conflicts, repairing when things go left and maintaining a strong fienedhsip. If you’re ready to try marriage counseling in Houston, click here for a free consultation call.

3) Has your marriage stopped providing you with the excitement it used to?

There are natural ebbs and flows in marriage. Most people start off super strong and passionate, and as the years go by, children get born, careers advance, health crises happen, and the marriage takes a back seat.

You start to feel like you’re just a worker in the home, rather than someone’s treasured spouse. You stop surprising each other, and you become like roommates.

Here’s the time to ask yourself, can we bring the spark back into the marriage or is it time to call it quits.

4) Do you feel safe within the marriage relationship?

No relationship can thrive without physical and emotional safety. As a rule, I would never ever advise that you stay put within an unsafe relationship. And you get to decide what feels safe versus unsafe to you. If you are experiencing abuse or insecurity within the relationship, you have every right to do what you need to stay safe.

5) Are you struggling to communicate your needs in a way that your spouse can understand?

Sometimes the job of a couples therapist or marriage counselor is to teach you how to help your spouse understand what you need. Never assume that your spouse is a mind reader. Even if you’ve been married for 10 years, he might still struggle to give you what you need.

Although it’s frustrating to repeat yourself over and over again, marriage counseling could help improve the communication. Most people are actually very poor communicators, but they don’t learn that until they start marriage counseling.

So there you have it.

Before you run to divorce court, ask yourself if you indeed are looking for a divorce, or you’re just looking for a solution to your current marital problems.

If you are ready to learn how to talk to your spouse in a way that he (or she) can understand, so that you can have a lasting friendship and a passionate marriage, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for Christian marriage counseling in Houston.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist. I provide couples therapy in Houston and throughout California.

I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Houston marriage counseling tips: 20 conversation starters to help married couples reconnect

You can always tell the difference between a couple who is newlywed, and a couple who has been married for a decade. Newlyweds often look longingly into each other's eyes, they hold hands, they sit very close to each other and they just look like they are in love. They cannot get enough of one another.

Couples who have been married for a long time, unfortunately, sometimes look like they are sick of one another. There’s little to no eye contact, they say mean jokes to one another, they ignore one another and they just look like they don’t want to be in each other’s presence.

Let’s fix that. There’s no reason why your only interactions with your spouse should be just about paying bills, picking kids up from school and investing in your IRA plan. Let’s spice things up.

Here is a list of simple conversation starters you can use when next you are on a date with your spouse (remember what dates are?). Keep the conversation flowing naturally. It doesn’t have to feel like an interrogation or a job interview.

Here are some simple questions I use with my clients during our couples therapy sessions in Houston:

Why did you fall in love with me?

What do you remember about the day we met?

Where would you like to be in the next 6 months?

What’s your favorite memory of us?

What do you wish I knew about you?

How’s work going? What do you like/dislike about work right now?

What is your favorite color and why?

What are your hopes and dreams for our kids?

Why did you choose your specific career?

What is 1 thing you wish we could do in our relationship?

What’s your favorite scent?

What are some things that are on your bucket list?

What challenges are you going through at work?

What is your favorite memory of me?

Tell me about a hobby you would like to take up.

What type of husband/wife would you like to be?

What type of father/mother would you like to be?

What makes you happy?

What is something you’ve always wanted to do?

How do we take our relationship to the next level?

So try out these conversation starters and see how they go. If they feel awkward at first, that’s okay. Keep trying until it feels more natural. If you are ready to improve the friendship in your marriage and learn how to communicate comfortably, then marriage counseling in Houston might be right for you. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for Christian marriage counseling in Houston.

About the author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Houston Couples Therapy Tip: Your spouse is NOT a mind reader- here's how to tell him what you need

As a Houston couples therapist, I see it all the time- a wife complaining that her husband does not fulfill her emotional needs. But when I ask her if she has been specific about what she wants, the answer is usually, “No.”

You see, most of the time, you are actually doing a poor job of communicating your needs to your spouse. Many couples struggle because they do not yet have the communication skills that are necessary to help their spouse understand them. And yes it’s possible for you to have been married for 5 years and still be unsure of how to appropriately communicate to your husband or wife in a way that they can understand.

Here are some simple tips to help your spouse understand what you need, straight from the mouth of a couples therapist in Houston:

1) Spend some time connecting with your own feelings

If you have no clue how you are feeling, it’s going to be almost impossible for your spouse to understand how you are feeling. Get used to using feeling words. Ask yourself, “How am I actually feeling?” Is it happy, sad, frustrated, angry, disappointed, disrespected, neutral, etc?

Sometimes while in couples therapy, I check in which each partner to ask them what’s going on in their hearts. It helps give them a few seconds to pause and check before responding to their spouse.

Once you know how you feel, it’s time to move on to the next step.

2) What exactly triggered you?

After identifying your feelings, it’s also important to know what exactly triggered you.

Take a moment to identify if it was something within your environment, something your husband said or did, or none of the above.

Was it that you were already having a bad day? Or that your husband was staring at his phone rather than listening to you? Or are you super hungry and tired, so anything your husband could have said would have triggered you anyway?

This is another marriage counseling tip. Get used to checking in to see what exactly triggered that big emotion. It helps you better understand yourself, and helps you husband better understand you.

3) What type of support do you need?/What do you need from your spouse?

Now that you know how you feel and why you were triggered, what do you want your spouse to do about it? In what way would you feel supported? Remember that he has no clue what you need, until you tell him. And I know this can be super frustrating, but it’s true- your husband is NOT a mind reader.

Do you want an apology? Do you want time alone? Do you want to talk about it? Do you just want him to listen better next time? Do you want him to put his phone away?

If you don’t know what would help you feel comforted, your husband certainly won’t know.

Get in the habit of checking in with your feelings every day. Once you get good at doing this, you can then learn to share these feelings with your spouse.

As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, my job is to help you on the communication and friendship in your marriage. If you are finally ready to learn how to speak in a way that your husband will finally understand, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call for marriage counseling in Houston. Let’s take your marriage from boring and frustrated to exciting.

About the author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist who provides Christian marriage counseling in Houston, TX and throughout California.

I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Houston Couples Therapy: Here's why you need couples therapy ASAP

Marriage can be sweet, but anyone married for more than six months will tell you that it is no easy feat to join your life with someone else.

If you have been struggling with your marriage, marriage counseling in Houston is a great way to explore being close to each other again.

Here are 4 reasons why you just might need a couples therapist in Houston.

1) Your friends and family are NOT marriage counseling experts

Your marriage was your decision, not your friends’ and other family members’. It’s okay to discuss your problems with friends, but do not make decisions about your marriage based on conversations you have with them.

However, a quick word of caution about going to your friends and family. Some of them will tell you what they think you want to hear. Some of them will be biased and defend you- even when you are in the wrong. And others are hoping that your marriage fails, so they give you horrific advice. Many try their best, but it turns out that their advice will do more damage to your relationship.

Imagine taking medical advice from a mechanic? That’s what could happen when you lean on friends and family solely for marriage advice.

2) No one ever taught you what a sustainable, happy marriage looks like

Through your struggles, it’s important to remember that most of us have no idea what a healthy godly marriage should be and how to get to that happy marriage. Maybe you are copying the type of marriage you grew up seeing. If the marriage was tumultuous, you are copying the wrong blueprint.

Very few people go to premarital counseling before getting married. They assume that love will be enough. A great marriage counselor or couples therapist inHouston can show you the proper roadmap to a successful, committed marriage. 

I’m a Christian marriage therapist in Houston who helps couples create spicy, happy marriages. And if you are a Christian looking to have a Christ-centered marriage, seek Christian marriage counseling in Houston that can integrate faith into the couples counseling sessions. Click here to schedule your free consultation call with me.

3) Your couples communication skills are much worse than you think

Many people think they are great at communicating their needs with their spouses. But when you come into couples therapy in Houston, you will learn why you’ve had years of communication breakdown and pain. 

Many people only communicate according to their upbringing. Half the time, you think you’re being transparent, but your spouse has no clue what you mean. A big part of couples therapy is learning how to get your point across in a way your spouse can understand. When I teach healthy communication skills during couples therapy session, couples are surprised at their lack of communication skills. But the good thing is that we can teach excellent communication.

4) You need a space where you can focus on your marriage

Marriage can be difficult. It gets even more complicated once you introduce kids, a house, a dog, a busy schedule, and other external responsibilities. Many couples struggle to find time for one another, and after a few years of being busy, marriage can quickly become a roommate or work partner situation.

You sleep in the same bed and live in the same house, but you no longer feel a strong connection to one another. You stay together for the kids or for financial reasons, but deep inside, you know you want more. 

Marriage counseling in Houston or couples therapy in Houston is an opportunity for you to spend some time rebuilding your lost friendship. You’ll learn how to talk to each other, truly connect again, and finally nip those annoying arguments in the bud.

If you are ready to stop being roommates and create a passionate and long-lasting marriage, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call. I’m a Black Christian marriage therapist in Houston whose goal is to help Christian couples create spicy, enjoyable, and irresistible marriages.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.