What to expect from counseling or therapy in the Houston area

Everyone and their mother appears to be talking about going to therapy on every show these days. You've entertained the idea of therapy or counseling in your mind, but you're not sure what to expect.

You've probably heard that talking to a therapist is similar to talking to your best friend. But, if it's the same as talking to your best friend, why spend money, and the time you don't have in therapy? Why not ask your best friend?

Here's a quick list of what to expect from counseling or therapy in the Houston area.

Before we begin, all therapists must be different, so I will be speaking from my own perspective. These are my practices as a therapist.

I won't be giving you advice during therapy or counseling.

The number one misconception about therapy is your therapist specifically tells you what to do. Your therapist is entirely different from your best friend or your mentor. My job is NOT to tell you what to do; after all, who am I to tell you what to do? I am not your boss. My job is simply to ask you questions that give you the space to think deeply, weigh the pros and cons, brainstorm, and eventually come to your own conclusion. You'll learn more about the whys of things, common patterns in your life, and what makes you who you are.

Would it not be a form of control if I told you what to do?

I'm not 100 percent neutral in therapy.

When you watch TV, the therapist is 100% neutral. They really have a blank stare on their face, they nod and smile, and they just appear to have no personality.

I am not like that.

If I feel like you are moving in a perilous direction, I will let you know. I am not neutral at all. My ulterior motive is to guide you towards the completion of your goals. To be neutral will mean that I have no investment in your success. Being neutral would mean that I am a blank slate. I am no blank slate.

My real intention is to guide you to become the person you said you wanted to become when you began working with me.

Therapy is hard work.

From the outside looking in, therapy is just two people looking at each other and talking for an hour. This is far from the truth. As a couple therapist in Houston, I have spent over a decade honing my skills, learning human behavior, learning about interpersonal relationships, learning about nonverbal behavior, and even learning about how the brain works to quickly get you your therapy goals.

Therapy is not a walk in the park. There will be tears, some shade was thrown (mostly on my end), moments of deep reflection, and you will feel uncomfortable.

You'll feel like a lot better version of yourself when you've gone through some of those challenging feelings when you're done. To grow a healthy tree, I always remind my clients that they must first dig through the sludge.

And yes, another thing to expect when you work with me is a series of proverbs and sayings that I often make up on the fly.

What can I say? It is the West African therapist in me.

In our therapy or counseling sessions, I won't be blaming your mom for everything.

People often shy away from therapy in Houston (and everywhere else) because they believe their family will be put on blast or that the therapist will not respect their heritage.

As a Black marriage counselor in Houston and an immigrant, I understand the importance of culture and family and their complexity.

I will absolutely not be blaming your mom, your dad, your grandma, or your neighborhood for everything. I understand that your environment, personality, and family upbringing all play a role in making you who you are. It is entirely unjust to place all of the blame on one person.

As a therapist, I have no preconceived notions about you.

Although I primarily work with couples and high-achieving women with anxiety and insomnia, I do not expect all of my clients to be the same. I absolutely do not take a one-size-fits-all approach to my work.

I believe that you are unique, and a massive part of my work is listening and observing. You are the one who tells me the story of who you are, you are the one who walks me through, and you are the captain of the ship.

When you go to a therapy session with me, I have no preconceived notions about you. I do not expect you to check off all of the boxes in the DSM V (the DSM V is the official manual from which therapists diagnose clients).

Instead, I take an approach of not knowing, as I believe you are the expert yourself. You may not realize it yourself better than anyone else or will ever know you. Let us all learn to accept that together.

I ask you what your goals for therapy are

Our first Couples counseling Houston session together is like a discovery session. I ask you a lot of questions about your upbringing, your current environment, your time in school, your career, the significant relationships in your life, what brings you into therapy, your emotions, your past experiences in therapy, as well as who you want to be when our time together is done.

All of these questions help me (and you) understand you better. It is like putting 1 million puzzle pieces together to see the big picture. Therapy, in my opinion, should have clear goals so that we know precisely when it is time for you to graduate. No guessing games are involved.

Before diving into therapy, we get all the insurance things out of the way.

For therapy to succeed, you need to know exactly what to expect. That means also discussing the boring insurance stuff. If you wish to go through your insurance, I'll tell you everything you should be telling your insurance company so that the road will be smooth.

If you choose to work with me as an out-of-network therapist, I will also sort everything out before starting our sessions. It is essential that when we start sessions, there are no distractions. The ultimate goal is to get you in the headspace necessary to reach your therapy goals.

Expect to laugh (A LOT) in therapy.

I am absolutely NOT a nod and smile therapist. You will not get a blank slate or stare from me, and I won't be the therapist who repeatedly asks you, "How does that make you feel?"

We go deeper than that, and I bring in my authentic self. Some days I am loud. Some days I cackle. I happen to laugh A LOT, and yes, we'll have some belly laughs even while discussing anxiety, insomnia, marital struggles, and trauma.

I am an expert. I believe that laughter may help heal a broken heart. So even though we will be doing a lot of work, and tears will be shed, expect to laugh a lot. After all, laughter is the best medicine.

So there it is. Those are some of the elements you should expect when working with me in therapy in the Houston area. As a Black therapist in Houston, I pride myself on helping women of color and couples of color move from surviving to thriving. If you struggle and barely treading water, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. Because you absolutely deserve to wake up every day and enjoy your life

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to become an active listener in your marriage in 5 easy steps

One of the most prevalent concerns I see in Houston relationship therapy is couples that don't listen to one another. Things get heated at the moment, and you realize you have no idea how to listen to your partner correctly.

Better communication in marriage contributes to increased closeness and intimacy. When most people hear their spouse speak, they think about their possible responses rather than listening to what their spouse is saying. Here's a straightforward approach to improve communication in your marriage if you're having trouble improving your active listening skills.

Before we dive in, what exactly is active listening? 

Most couples come to Christian marriage counseling in Houston saying they want a stronger connection. Active listening is listening intently to grasp better what your partner is saying. It helps create empathy and connection in a relationship.

On the other hand, passive listening is listening just because or listening while waiting for your spouse to stop talking so that you can finish up whatever you are saying. 

Active listening helps improve intimacy and connection. Passive listening is self-serving and doesn't do anything to improve your relationship. And if you'd like to improve your communication in marriage, you want to become pretty good at active listening.

So, here are the steps to become a better active listener in your marriage or relationship.

1) Allow your spouse to speak without interruptions.

Listen without saying anything while your spouse is talking about something essential. All your energy should ensure you hear every last word. Focus on his body language gives you a little clue about how he feels. It's critical to fight the impulse to correct or defend yourself.

It seems easy, but it's pretty tricky, so I practice with my Couples counseling in Houston. 

This seems easy, but it’s actually quite difficult- which is why I practice with my couples who are in marriage counseling.

2.)Repeat what you heard him say.

So often, when we are trying to listen to others, we pass what they are saying through our mental filter. Sometimes what we hear them say is not what they're saying. 

It is when miscommunication and arguments happen in relationships. Instead of clarifying, we argue back and forth. To avoid arguments, after every sentence or 2, pause your spouse and repeat back what you heard him say. 

If he agrees with you correctly, he can move on to the following sentence. If you misheard him, he gets to clarify. Please don't blame him for the wording. Focus on trying to understand him.

It is another crucial step when clients work with me during marriage counseling in Houston.

3) Suspend judgment and the need to defend yourself. Marriage is not war.

Marriage is not war. I say this all the time during marriage therapy in Houston. A healthy marriage comprises two partners who are willing to communicate and understand each other. To achieve that, you should benefit your spouse from the doubt. Expect and assume that your spouse only wants what is best for you and your marriage. Because marriage is not war, you do not have to defend yourself. So when your spouse is speaking, do not jump in to defend yourself. Take some deep breaths and try to get to the bottom of what he is trying to say. Make it about him- not you.

The best marriage counselors in Houston will let you know that preconceived assumptions can cause trouble in relationships.

4) Put your empathy hat on.

One thing Houston relationship therapist is: "Trying to understand why your spouse is feeling this way." Put your feelings aside and try to empathize with him. When you can empathize, lower your guard to come to a resolution with him. It involves teamwork. Remember that your spouse is your partner, and your joint enemy is disagreement. So work together to overcome it.

5) Respond appropriately by validating your spouse. It's a great way to have a peaceful marriage.

After you have spent time actively listening to your spouse, and It is done with his side of the story, it's time to validate him. Most Houston couples in therapy do not validate enough. They jump straight from talking about the issue to trying to fix it. But they miss a huge step. Validation is the key to repairing when there's a misunderstanding. Validation doesn't necessarily mean you agree with what your spouse is saying. Validation helps your spouse feel seen and increases connection.

After completing the above steps, you can talk about your side of the story. Hopefully, your partner will also follow the above steps.

What will active listening do for your marriage?

If you are ready to improve the communication in your marriage to form a much deeper connection with your spouse, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me (I'm a Black marriage therapist in Houston seeing clients in Texas and throughout the Murrieta area). Remember, marriage isn't war.

About The Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

5 Romantic date ideas to rekindle the spark in your marriage

Dates are important in a marriage. They help refresh your memory about why you fell in love with each other. Dates also cut through the dull, mundane couples therapy in Houston. It helps you escape everyday chores and responsibilities. You can be wrapped up in your world for a few hours.

You must continue to pursue one another. If not, things get stale.

And if the idea of planning a date scares you, breathe. Dates should tailor to the interests of you and your spouse. And these dates don't have to be surprised either; simply plan them together to avoid disappointment.

Here are five romantic date ideas that you and your spouse can try.

1) For food lovers: Take a culinary tour

This one is best for couples who are food. A great way to get to know other cultures is through their food. Find a mom-and-pop or traditional restaurant that serves some sort of exotic or unfamiliar cuisine. 

If you're feeling particularly explorative, you can hit 2 or 3 different restaurants, hole-in-the-wall shops, or food trucks in 1 day- hence the title "culinary tour.".

A culinary tour can cover different regions of a single country or numerous countries' cuisine in a single day. Only an empty stomach and an open mind are required.

2) For travel lovers and Wanderers: Explore a city or country that you've both been itching to go to

You and your spouse can receive your passports and travel now that the crossings are reopened. Who said dates had to revolve solely around dinner and food?

If the thought of jet setting isn't an excellent idea for you, Houston relationship therapy starts by exploring a part of your city that you've never gotten a chance to explore. Or explore a nearby city or state. You learn so much more about each other when you're both wonderstruck.

 Road trips, day trips, or staycations can help scratch the traveling itch. It can also have you feeling like you're a college kid again.

3) For art lovers: Do an art tour.

There are numerous things to do here. You can take a painting class together. You can explore pottery making and glassblowing; you can visit a museum. Spend time learning about your favourite artists.

This can spark some rich conversation.

4) For creatives: Get the juices flowing.

If you are creative, do something that feels out of the box. You can join a book club and engage in knowledge sharing. You can also go to an escape room and enjoy teamwork. 

It can even involve watching a documentary that sparks some intellectual conversation.

Who said dates had to revolve solely around dinner and food?

5) For nature lovers: Go outside.

Go on a hike, take a botany class together. To learn how to make flower arrangements, go to the botanical gardens, the aquarium, or an animal shelter together. 

 Dates do not have to be cliche or boring. Try new things all the time and see the world together.

Couples counseling Houston helps married couples improve communication, connection, and conflict resolution if they want to learn how to communicate effectively with their husband or wife. Click to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to reconnect with your spouse after a big fight

Although most people pretend that their marriage is a bed of roses, we all know that arguments are a part of marriage. What are you supposed to do when your spouse drives you completely nuts? Here are some simple steps that you can take after you and your spouse have had a huge fight or a horrible disagreement.

Take a time out to cool off

After a huge blowout or disagreement in your marriage, it is important for both of you to go to your respective corners. Go cool off, listen to some music, take a walk, take a shower, pray- do someone else to distract yourself from the volcano of emotions that are surging inside you.

During this time out, your goal is to cool off. So, no thinking about how awful your husband is (you know you have those thoughts, but I won’t judge you). No cursing him out under your breath (you know you do that also). Just cool off by focusing on something else.

Schedule a time to talk with your spouse

After you feel like you've been able to sort through your feelings, and calm down, reach out to your spouse and make an appointment. Appointments don’t sound sexy, but this will ensure that both of you can talk at a time in which neither of you is busy or distracted.

Before you have this conversation, know that the goal of the conversation is NOT to prove that you’re right. It’s to get over the hump and prevent this issue from rearing its ugly head in the future.

Got it?

Start with talking about your feelings (or your spouse’s feelings)

Before we dive in, note that I utilize the Gottman Method for couples therapy. It’s research backed and it works!)

Let’s jump in.

In this conversation, there has to be a speaker and a listener. The listener’s job is to listen, understand and empathize with the speaker. It’s an active process. You can’t be a good listener while actively cursing your spouse out in your head or trying to come up with reasons why he’s wrong.

Use actual feeling words like angry, sad, upset, lonely, etc. This helps your spouse better understand what is going on in your mind. Here’s a link to the feelings wheel to help you pinpoint your emotions.

When your spouse talks about his feelings, simply listen. Don’t try to talk about yours until he’s done with his role as speaker. Also, do not try to convince him that his feelings are false.

Talk about your perspective on the issue

Summarize what you think happened during the argument. Stick to “I” statements. Try not to blame him or point the finger.

Here’s an example of a good “I” statement:

“Earlier today, when we came into the house, I felt ignored when I saw you on the phone.”

Here’s a bad example of an “I” statement:

“Earlier today when we came into the house, you were ignoring me as usual by staring at your stupid phone. You’re addicted to the phone and you have a problem.”

Talk about what triggered you during the incident or leading up to the incident

Arguments often happen because of unmet needs or triggers. So this is your opportunity to invite your spouse into your internal world. Avoid assuming that “He should know” what bugs you.

Perhaps you were already tired. Maybe you felt ignored. Maybe you had to remind him for the 7th time.

Let him know your triggers, but say it nicely.

Acknowledge your role in the communication breakdown

Talk about at least 1 thing you did to increase the miscommunication. Maybe you snapped. Maybe you were impatient. Maybe you jumped to conclusions.

Here’s the time for self reflection.

What can your spouse do to prevent this from happening in the future?

Watch your tone here. Be respectful but honest. Let him know what he can do differently next time so that he does not push your buttons.

The best marriages come from a place of humility, hardwork and a willingness to listen.

If you’re ready to move your marriage from a place or constant disagreements, to a place of great communication and friendship, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call. I am a Black marriage therapist in Houston who provides couples counseling throughout Texas and California. I also provide Christian marriage counseling in Houston.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

7 validation statements that could seriously save your marriage

Validation is a skill that very few people truly understand. I see it every time during couples counseling in Houston. However, it is actually such an important skill when it comes to connecting with your spouse in marriage. In my couples therapy sessions in Houston, I often find that couples want to jump from problem, straight to solution. However, the middle ground that is missing is the skill of validation.

So what exactly is validation? According to dictionary.com, validation is “Recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.”

Notice that it doesn’t state that you have to completely understand the other person’s point of view. It also does not state that you have to completely agree with their point of view. It is simply just recognizing that their feelings are worthwhile and valid.

What role does validation play in a marriage?

It helps your spouse feel seen and heard. And when your spouse feels seen and heard, they are more likely to feel connected to you.

So how do you validate in marriage?

Simply work to acknowledge that what your spouse is feeling is real. Don’t just think it, say it out loud to them.

Here are 7 simple statements you can say to your spouse when they are having a big emotion or both of you are involved in a disagreement:

1) I can see that you’re experiencing a big emotion, tell me more about what’s going on for you.

2) I can totally understand how that could feel difficult for you.

3) I can see why you feel that way.

4) That sounds very difficult.

5) How can I support you?

6) Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?

7) I see you’re [insert emotion here], how can I support you?

As you can see, these statements are not very long or complicated. When next your spouse is showing a big emotion like anger, sadness, hurt, pain or disappointment, take a moment to help them understand that you see and hear them.

If you are ready to learn how to connect intimately with your spouse, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me. I provide marriage counseling in Houston and virtually throughout Texas.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to reconnect with your spouse emotionally to keep your marriage fresh

When you have been married for a while, it sometimes can feel like your marriage is stale. You get so busy with chores, kids, career, and taking care of the home, that it’s easy to lose your connection. But don’t lose hope. It is possible to reconnect with your spouse, even if your marriage is feeling dead. 

Here are some simple tips to build a strong emotional connection in your marriage. And the great thing is, it doesn’t even have to take all of your time.

When I work with couples during marriage counseling in Houston, I tell them that it is important to have specific rituals that connect you and your spouse. When you don’t have these, married life becomes mundane. Think back to when you were growing up. What important rituals did you and your family share? Or what rituals do you wish you and your family shared? Now is the time to create a family that feels cohesive.

Here are some important rituals to begin in your marriage:

1)    Marriage rituals about leave taking

When you are in a busy marriage, it can be very simple to just run out the door in the morning without actually saying goodbye. You won’t believe how many couples who are in marriage counseling in Houston who leave the house without talking to their spouse.

It’s important to give your spouse a proper good bye every single time you leave the house. And it only takes 30 seconds.

Think about what will feel really good to you as well as your spouse. It can be a hug, a kiss, holding their hand and letting them know that you’ll be back. It could be a fist bump. It does not even have to be anything formal.

If you want to be a little bit spicy, it can be a butt tap, a wink, or a head nod. Don’t be afraid to shake up your marriage. Speak to your spouse about what they would like to see happen when either of you is leaving the home. Something so little, helps to sustain the emotional connection between the two of you.

2)    Marriage rituals about coming back home

After a busy day, it feels so amazing to walk into the home and see a wonderful smile on your spouse’s face. Sometimes we get so incredibly busy, that we forget to actually greet our spouse when they come home after a long day.

No matter what is going on in your day, when your spouse gets home, try and take the effort to actually take a pause, smile, and maybe even give your spouse a hug and a kiss. This might seem very foreign to start with, but as you get used to doing this, they begin to feel appreciated. And when they feel appreciated, chances are they’ll begin to reciprocate this ritual when you get home.

Wouldn’t it be nice to get a hero’s welcome every time you walk through the door? This is another important skill I teach during couples therapy in Houston.

3)    Marriage rituals about meals

Everyone has to eat right? It appears that family dinners are getting fewer and far between. I’m pretty old fashioned, and so I really appreciate being able to sit together as a family and just talk. And yes, I do sometimes suggest family meals during relationship therapy sessions in Houston. Try it sometime.

You can even set the table, make it pretty, put the phones away and just have a conversation that involves eye contact and real connection. Of course, setting the table is not compulsory, but it’s a nice touch.

You can even have rituals around eating out. How often do you want to eat out as a family? Where would you like to go? What type of scene would you like to set? This can be used as an opportunity to catch up on the day and forget about all the worries of the world. During this moment, only you and your family matter.

4)    Marriage rituals around dates

Even if you and your spouse have been married for a long time, it is still important to date and pursue each other. Every woman likes to be pursued, and every man loves to pamper his woman. This helps to keep things fresh and exciting. Nobody wants a stale marriage. Have a conversation with your spouse around having regular dates. By the way, dates do not have to be expensive or lavish.

But it is important to be able to take some time away from the kids if possible and just connect. If you cannot get childcare, then plan a simple date when the kids are in bed. This could involve a simple meal, an at home picnic, movie night- it really doesn’t matter what you pick. The most important thing is being able to share some uninterrupted time together.

5)    Marriage rituals about holidays

The holidays are a great time to build family memories and to strengthen togetherness. Have another conversation with your spouse around how you would like to celebrate holidays that are important to you.

Will there be specific foods cooked? Who will cook the food? Will you cook it together? Would you be ordering it? What types of activities will be present during the holidays? Whom will you invite? Plan an entire event so that both of you remain on the same page. The goal is for holidays to bring up happy, connected memories for the both of you.

6)    Marriage rituals about sex

We all know that sex is super important in a marriage. It helps create a deeper connection between partners. The problem is many couples do not feel comfortable actually talking about sex. Talk about how often you want to have sex, when and where you would like to have sex (the bedroom isn’t the only place for sex, wink, wink), and what you enjoy. Remember, you are partners, and you both deserve pleasure.

How do you keep the spark alive in your marriage? Please share so we can all learn.

If you are ready to move your marriage from a place of constant disagreement, to a place of agreement, deeper communication and friendship, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call. I’m a Black marriage counselor in Houston who provides Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout Texas. I am also a licensed marriage and family therapist in California.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.