How to use your love language to strengthen your family relationships.

Relationships can be tricky. And when I say relationships, I don’t just mean romantic relationships. I’m talking about parent-child, friend-friend, brother-sister, aunty-niece, and every other type of relationship you can think of. It’s important that you know how your loved ones actually want to be loved. Anything short of that will feel to them like something is missing in your relationship.

What’s a love language?

And that’s where love languages come in. According to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, each person has a specific way in which he or she prefers to give and/or receive love. This is called a love language. Gary Chapman states that there are 5 love languages, and that each love language can be used in the workplace, with our kids, partners and pretty much in every important relationship. To have a solid relationship, it is important that you know your partner or loved one’s love language so that you can show him or her love in a way that he or she can receive it. If you are loving them in a way that they cannot receive it, they will feel unappreciated, unseen or unheard. Typically, we show people love in the way that we like to receive it, but it’s important that we not only learn our own love language, but we learn how to speak our loved one’s love language.

To get these love languages right, it’s first important that you know what the 5 love languages are.

What are the 5 love languages?

1) Physical Touch: This one is quite easy to notice. If your loved one loves hugs, kisses, snuggles, cuddles and any other type of physical touch, then this is probably his or her primary love language.

What this looks like for children: You’ll notice this easily in little children. They’re the ones who love high fives, who hug you when you return from work in the evening, they’ll want to sit on your lap, hold your hand, snuggle in bed with you and have some sort of bodily contact with you. It makes them feel safe, protected and loved. If your child loves physical touch, make an effort to provides lots of hugs, kisses and high fives.

What this looks like in adults: Many women often roll their eyes when we talk about physical touch because they automatically assume that physical touch and sex are synonymous. The truth is, children who love physical touch grow up to be adults who love physical touch- that is unless their environment doesn’t endorse safe physical touch. So if your partner’s love language is physical touch, make an effort to hold his/her hand, give a kiss, a back rub, sit next to him/her on the couch, and use bodily warmth to be reassuring. If physical touch isn’t your thing, then it’ll definitely take an effort on your part, but it’ll help build your bond.

2) Acts of service: People who love acts of service are those who always seem to be volunteering for one mission or the other, they spend their time serving others in some way and they are always tryin to do nice things for others.

What this looks like for children: Kids who love acts of service are the ones who constantly ask you if they can help you, they volunteer to be the teacher’s helper at school, they are there to help their friends, and they take joy in using their time to be helpful to others. To keep the love alive, let them be your helper- no matter how young they are. They can help you with folding laundry, they can pass you the salt at the dining table, they can help younger ones with homework, and they most certainly can be the teacher’s helper at school.

What this looks like in adults: Adults who love acts of service are also always doing things for others. It might look like them offering to wash your car, offering to pick up something for you at the grocery store, fixing things around the house, and always being a helpful resource to others. To fill their love tanks, offer to also be helpful for them. Ask if you can work with them on a project, or be helpful in some way. If you’re handy, offer to fix something up for them. They’ll be sure to appreciate that.

3) Words of affirmation: If this is your love language, then it means that you are always talking to people about how much you love and appreciate them. You are the cheerleader of the family. You write kind notes, you tell people how much you appreciate them and you’re very verbal with your love.

What this looks like for children: These are the natural encouragers. They tell others “Good job!” or “You’ve got this!” They’re also the kids who tell you “I love you” over and over again.They are not shy to show you how much you mean to them. So then, you can strengthen your relationship by reciprocating this. When they do well, you should verbally tell them that you are proud of them. Also be vocal about your love for them. They need to hear it first in order to feel it.

What this looks like in adults: They are also encouragers. They’ll tell you how much they appreciate you, they’ll send you texts and emails about how glad they are about something you did. They’ll remind you of their love for you. All you have to do is simply listen to them, and you’ll surely hear the ways that they affirm you verbally. To show your love for them, do the same. Send texts about how much you appreciate and love them, and if you’re comfortable, tell them to their face as well. If this isn’t your love language, it might feel awkward to do this at first, but it really does help to strengthen your relationship.

4) Gifts: Some people feel loved when they are given tangible gifts. These gifts don’t have to cost a lot of money. They simply like a physical token to remind them of your love for them.

What this looks like for children: These are the children who are always making something for you. They draw pictures, they make Lego statues, they make you a bracelet, or they simply sculpt something out of modeling clay. Please don’t throw these gifts away in front of your kids. Express your appreciation for them and display them on the fridge or somewhere public for a while, to show that you want to receive their love.

What this looks like in adults: These are the people who will buy or make you gifts. They might make a photo book, a scrap book or even buy you something expensive. This is simply their way of showing you that they love you. If you’re not someone who treasures gifts, it’ll be important to have a conversation about that with your partner about how to maneuver this situation- especially if they are in the habit of spending a lot of money on gifts.

5) Quality Time: This one is the most tasking love languages for some people as time is the only resource we feel like we need more of but we can’t get more of.

What this looks like for children: These are kids who want to sit by you, look you in the eyes when they are speaking and they want your undivided attention. As they get older, they’ll try to get your attention by following you around the house or just asking you to be with them. A quick tip for busy parents of kids who want quality time. Begin to include them in your day to day activities. They can sit with you as you fold laundry, you can have a conversation with them in the kitchen as you cook, you can take them with you to the grocery store. They don’t care where you are, they just want to see your face. If you’re away from home for an extended period of time, you can do a quick FaceTime call with them. Perhaps carve out a few minutes at the end of the day to just be with them and look them in the eyes the way that they want. Quality time doesn’t have to take a long time. It just has to feel like your attention is on them.

What this looks like in adults: These are people who want you to spend time with them. Put down your electronics and schedule a date with them. It doesn’t even have to be romantic or expensive. Go on a short walk together, watch TV together, listen to music together, cook together, run errands together. They’re happy if they are able to get your attention.

So, do you know what your love language is? Note that it’s possible to have multiple love languages or a primary and secondary love language. And if you’re struggling to connect with your partner or your kids, I offer family counseling in Murrieta to help families get back on the same page and begin to get along again. Call me on 951-905-3181 or email me here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. I also offer individual counseling or therapy online throughout California.

6 topics engaged couples seldom discuss that could lead to divorce

You just got proposed to, the ring is fabulous and you can't wait to start planning the wedding of your dreams. You have always imagined yourself in a beautiful, big dress with lace sleeves. You've picked the bridesmaids, you know your location, but have you had the right discussion with your fiancé to make sure that you are both in sync? Or do you still have fears that your marriage might end up like your parents'?

Now I know there is nothing romantic about having a serious discussion with the one you love. You'd rather focus on the fairy tale wedding. But if you plan to spend the rest of your life with someone, you better make sure you have laid the right foundation. You don't want to end up like your parents who are now unhappily divorced or like your friend who used to be so happy, but now she can't stand her husband. Laying the right foundation for your marriage will ensure that you both are happily married.

Here are 6 topics that every serious dating and engaged couple should discuss so that the marriage doesn't end up in strife or divorce.

Finances: Money is a huge trigger for many people. Some of us are taught how to take care of our money, and others were never taught. We typically take care of our money the way we saw our parents take care of their money. If your father was a big spender, chances are you'll also want to spend your money quickly. But if your parents or guardians were frugal, you'll probably have a smilier mindset. In some families, money is actually never discussed, meaning that the kids grow up to believe that money is a taboo topic. 

While you are still engaged, it's important to talk about how you both will manage finances. Will you have 2 separate accounts or 1 joint account? Will you split bills half way or will one partner contribute more to the bills? Will you be setting a monthly budget or will you play it by ear? Money is one of the top reasons for divorce. Although it might be uncomfortable, get the discussion in now before you say your vows.

Kids: I can't even tell you how many couples do not ever discuss the issue of kids until after they are married. How many kids do you both want to have? Who will take care of the kids? Will one of you stay home for a while to care for the kids? Will the kids be in daycare? What type of daycare are you comfortable with? How will you raise your kids? What values will you like to instill in them? What are your parenting styles? Will you be a listening parent or a barking orders, do what I say parent? Will the kids be home schooled? If both parents cannot agree about how to raise kids, I promise you, it'll become an ongoing argument once the kids get here. So while it isn't romantic to go over these issues, it's definitely practical.

Holidays: Holidays are joyous times. We spend the time with our loved ones, we have special rituals around that time of year, and we definitely know what type of food should be served. But when an engaged couple gets married, the question becomes, "Do we celebrate holidays at your parents' house or mine?" Great question.

Marriage is a joining of two families. And you can't expect one person to completely leave their family behind. And if both of you are from different cultures, you have to add a separate layer to it. Your spouse might celebrate holidays that you've never heard of. Take some time to talk about what holidays you both would like to celebrate, where you'd like to celebrate, as well as who you'd like to celebrate it with. It might sound too simple to discuss, but when one partner feels like her family is ignored every year, it could lead to resentment, which leads to bitterness and anger. 

Chores: When you're single, you get used to running your household however you want. You can leave your dishes in the sink for 2 straight nights, you can vacuum 3 times a day if you'd like, and you can cook all the stinky cheese you please. No problem. But when you become engaged, then get married, you have to learn how to compromise. Don't take chores for granted. Before you move in together, talk about how you plan to split chores around the house. Is it his job to take out the trash, or will you both do it? How often do you expect the house to be cleaned? Specify what cleaning looks like, because for some people, cleaning simply means sweeping the floor, for others, cleaning means, sweeping, dusting, mopping, fluffing pillows, cleaning the blinds and scrubbing the grout. Make sure it's obvious what your expectations are. I can assure you that something as simple as a dirty home will drive you to daily conflict. 

Religion: This is a huge one. Be very honest about your religious and spiritual beliefs. This is not something to glance over. Talk about your beliefs and how you express them in daily life. So if your expectation is that you go to church on Sundays, then say that. if your expectation is that you volunteering Sundays, go to mid-week service on Wednesdays and also participate on other days, let that be clear. And if you are 2 people form different faith backgrounds, it's even more important to discuss what that would look like. Religious beliefs run deep so put everything on the table and let your expectations be very clear. This WILL lead to strife if not ironed out while you're still and engaged couple.

Roles: Discuss what each of you believes the wife and the husband's role is. Usually, we expect to run our household the way our family of origin ran theirs. So if your mom stayed home and watched the kids, you might want to do the same. If your dad worked two jobs and your mom worked one, you might assume your husband wants to do the same. Do you believe the husband is the head of the household? And what does that mean in practice? Get very specific. The easiest way to do this is to think back to your family of origin. Write out what roles your mom and dad played and think about if you'd like to continue that lifestyle or if you'd want something different.

Learn more about ways to set appropriate boundaries with your partner in this post- How to set appropriate boundaries in your relationships

And if it's too difficult to have these discussions on your own, I provide premarital counseling/therapy for engaged and premarital couples. Let's make sure that you are confident when walking down the aisle. Start your marriage off right with solid counseling. Don't make the same mistakes your friends and loved ones did. And if you'd like to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call, to see if premarital counseling in the Murrieta/Temecula area is right for you, click here or call 951-905-3181. I also provide online premarital counseling throughout California.

Can premarital counseling save your marriage?

You've dreamed about this day all your life. You're walking down the aisle as you see your beloved with tears of joy in his eyes. You know your life together will be a fairytale. But have you had the tough conversations with him? Do you know the areas of strength and weaknesses in your relationship?

This is why premarital counseling is important. Even though so many people gloss over its importance, effective pre-marital counseling helps you and your loved one figure out how your pasts, values, ideals and beliefs could cause possible problems in the future. In session, you'll discuss important topics such as money, children, religion, in laws, how to handle disagreements, the role of friends and how your backgrounds affect your relationship.

Before the session, you'll both fill out a comprehensive Prepare/Enrich assessment form online. After that is done, a report, tailored to your specific situation is generated and sent to your counselor. The counselor then has an individualized system to discuss the actual strengths and weaknesses of your relationship. No guesswork here, the results are tailored to you. Doing this simple thing can reduce your chances of marital squabbles in the future.

So are you actually ready for marriage? Click here to contact me so you can schedule a free 15 minute consultation call for your first premarital counseling session in Murrieta or online. Start your marriage off on a stable foundation so you don't make the same mistakes others have made.