Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA & TX
Simple tips for a successful marriage: Repair when you've messed up
Sometimes when you're speaking to your partner, you get so upset and you say the wrong thing.
Before the words come out of your mouth you instinctively know that you have hit below the belt. The great news is that no matter what you say to your partner, you can still repair your relationship with them. As a therapist in the Temecula area who provides marriage counseling, I’ve probably seen and heard it all.
Sometimes when you're speaking to your partner, you get so upset and you say the wrong thing.
Before the words come out of your mouth you instinctively know that you have hit below the belt. The great news is that no matter what you say to your partner, you can still repair your relationship with them. As a therapist in the Temecula area who provides marriage counseling, I’ve probably seen and heard it all.
Here are six simple ways to repair when you have messed up in your marriage. Please note that this post is not talking about abusive behavior or infidelity. I am simply just focusing on repairing when you have been careless with your words or gotten into an argument.
The goal of the conversation: To repair and take responsibility
Before you start talking to your spouse remember that the goal of this conversation is to repair and seek understanding, rather than defend yourself or blame your spouse. If you get defensive, it will only make things worse. So it is important that you take responsibility for the things that you have said, and then apologize.
Step 1: Share how you felt
The first step is to share how you felt. This is an important skill I teach as a therapist in the Murrieta, Temecula area.
You don't have to explain why you felt the way that you felt. It is important for your partner to understand what was going on for you internally. Use some feeling words.
You can say something as simple as "I felt defensive." Or “I felt disrespected." Or “I felt shocked.” Or you can say “I felt afraid.” This will help your partner feel a little bit more connected to you.
Step 2: Describe your point of view
Describe to your spouse what you feel happened during the incident. Do not describe what you think they did or how you think they felt. Just stick to describing your perception of the situation. It is important that you do not point the finger, attack them, or blame them.
Just state the facts of what you said or what you think you heard them say. So for example you can frame it as "I heard you say…” Don’t get stuck on the semantics of things. Just focus on your reality.
Step 3: Give your spouse space to speak
Next it's time for you to give your spouse a chance to speak their own reality. Listen to their side of the story, and do not focus on trying to correct them or blame them. When they speak, try to summarize what you're hearing them saying, and also validate their experiences. For example you can say something like "I can see how you heard that.” “I can understand why that felt offensive.”
Ensure that they feel understood before you move on. If they don't, you can ask them to give you more information to ensure that they are actually feeling understood. This is the one area where couples get stuck in my Temecula marriage counseling sessions.
Also help them understand some of your experiences that have triggered why you felt the way that you felt. For example let's say you feel disrespected because your spouse did not consult you before doing something important. You can say to them “I am sensitive to feeling ignored because it reminds me of the time that you made a big purchase without me.”
Step 4: Take responsibility for your role in the communication breakdown
I talk about this a lot when I facilitate marriage counseling in Murrieta. It's now time to take responsibility for your role in the fight. Let them know what your state of mind was before you said what you said.
For example you can say:
“I've been feeling stressed lately.”
“I've been taking you for granted”
“I've been ignoring you.”
“I've been completely exhausted lately.”
“I've been feeling like I'm tired lately.
Specify what you regret and also apologize for what you said wrong. Be very specific.
For example “I am sorry for yelling at you.” “I'm sorry that I attacked you.” Or “I'm sorry for disrespecting you.”
Step 5: Make a plan for the future
After apologizing, tell your spouse what you need if this situation comes up again in the future.
Make a plan for what to do if the situation comes up again. Help your spouse understand the way you want to be treated, and also get a good understanding of how they want to be talked to. This prevents persistent problems from happening over and over again.
Having a successful marriage takes an immense amount of work and great communication, however every marriage can become an amazing marriage with friendship and intimacy in abundance.
If you're looking for a black marriage counselor in the Temecula, Murrieta area, and you're ready to take your marriage to a new, healthy place, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. Your future, healthy marriage thanks you.
About the Author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
How to connect with your spouse using acts of service
Whenever couples come to me for couples counseling in my office in the Temecula, Murrieta area, I often ask them what their love languages are.
Some couples know what love languages are, and others just typically look at me with a blank stare. To give you a quick summary, a love language is the way you like to be loved, and the way that you show love. There are 5 love languages- quality time, acts of service, gifts, physical touch and words of affirmation.
For most couples, they often try to love their partner in the way that they personally want to be loved- not the way their spouse actually wants to be loved. And here is where a lot of the breakdown in a relationship or marriage begins.
The struggle often happens, because both partners have two completely different love languages- making it very difficult to show love appropriately.
If your partner’s love language is acts of service, it simply means that they like you to do things to serve them, and this helps them feel truly loved. For them, love is a lot more than saying "I love you" or buying them gifts- actually showing it is how you can connect to them.
Before you roll your eyes at me, here are five simple ways that you can connect with your spouse or show your love to your spouse, using acts of service.
Make them breakfast in bed
Nobody ever said love is easy. Love is a sacrifice.
One very simple way to show your spouse some love is to make them breakfast in bed. You do not have to go all out, you do not even have to cook the food yourself- you can even order in.
But surprise your spouse with a simple breakfast in bed. Now if you are a great cook, then here's where you can really show off your skills. Think about simple meals that your partner loves and make it for them.
As a therapist in Temecula, I often encourage couples to infuse some spontaneity and forethought into their marriage. Acts of service are all about forethought.
If you really want to be fancy then you can throw in the garnishes, and even make a multiple course meal. But if that's not your thing just present the meal neatly and that’s it.
Iron their shirt for them (Or do something they hate)
If you have a spouse who wears shirts that get rumpled easily, surprise them and iron a shirt for them, or maybe even get a part of their outfit ready for them. Or you can pick up their dry-cleaning. Yes, I know that he can dress himself up or she can dress herself up, however this is all about going above and beyond so that they know that you love them.
For example if your spouse irons their shirt every morning, and you see that they have laid a shirt out the night before, you can go the extra mile to iron the shirt for them. It’ll surprise them and also communicate that you care. Stepping in the gap is my biggest marriage counseling tip.
Pay close attention and fill a need they have
When you're having a casual conversation with your spouse, and she mentions that she needs to get something from the store, you can actually offer to do it for them. It doesn't even have to be a big deal. Maybe they are out of their favorite crackers.
You can say to them: “Never mind I'll get it for you.” Or on your way back from work that day you can swing over to the store and get it for them. This might take an extra 10 minutes of time or maybe even take you no extra time at all because you plan to be at the store yourself. This will communicate to your spouse that you're listening to them and you care for them.
Fix something around the house or hire someone to fix it for you
If you happen to have some pretty handy skills, and you notice that something in the house is broken, an act of service could be fixing it before your spouse gets to it. Or both of you can fix it together.
This way you're spending quality time and also giving an act of service. If you happen to not be handy at all, and you know that your spouse will probably never get around to fixing it, rather than complaining, why not just hire someone? Boom! Acts of service.
Step in unexpectedly to give them a break
Let's say your spouse often drops the kids off at school on Mondays, but you know that they're having a particularly difficult Monday, and you have some room in your schedule to do it, just let them know that you can do it.
You can say something like “Don't worry. I'll take the kids to school so that you can prep for your meeting.”
Acts of service could be difficult to implement because they involve time and effort, but you don't have to necessarily do huge acts of service every single day. As long as you're paying attention, you can just step in in little areas where they are tired or they are lacking. It is about anticipating your spouse’s needs and communicating with them.
If your marriage has been riding the struggle bus, and you have wondered if Temecula marriage counseling will help you, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. You do not have to wait until your marriage is in complete breakdown to go to marriage counseling. Marriage counseling can help you restore the friendship and intimacy in your marriage.
I also provide Christian counseling in the Temecula, Murrieta area for couples who want to keep Jesus at the center of their marriage.
About the Author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Ready to get rid of anxiety, finally kick insomnia or for marriage counseling?